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Submitted in 2004


Bacon Becomes Her
Andrew Heidel

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"Brenda's a pig!"

"Roger! Aren't you two engaged?"

Tim paused mid-sip. "That's your fiancé you're talking about."

"I know, I know." Roger took a swig of his Red Hook ESB and wiped his mouth on his shirtsleeve. "But she is."

"She got one of them cute little corkscrew tails on her ass?" asked Tim, invoking the image with his finger.

"No…" Roger cocked his head to the side. "No! But ever since we moved in together I find her doing… things."

Tim scrunched his eyebrows together. "What kind of things? Pig things? Is she some pig?"

"Got a friend named Charlotte?" asked Michelle. "Is she special?"

"Yeah, she ride the short pig bus?" added Tim with a chuckle.

Roger pursed his lips, grimaced, then came out with it: "I caught her rooting through the garbage."

"Whaaaa?" Michelle set down her half finished cosmopolitan.

"Rooting?" asked Tim "For what? Truffles?"

"No, no. She said she was looking for something I might have thrown away by mistake, some paper that she had circled an ad in."

"You don't recycle? For shame." Michelle rubbed her right index finger over her left in mock admonishment.

"That's the thing. I do recycle."

Tim snubbed his cigarette in the ashtray and a light breeze wafted its dying breath around the corner of the bar. "So… maybe she thought you didn't."

"That's not the point." Roger looked askance at his reflection in the window. "She … she… while she was rooting through the garbage, I saw her take out a piece of pizza crust… and… and eat it."

"Ewwwww." Michelle's sensibilities were offended.

"Aw, come on Raj. Haven't you ever had a piece of day old crust out of the box you tossed out?"

"Yeah," chimed in Michelle, "remember when I caught you rummaging thru the trash can looking for a cigarette butt that wasn't smoked down to the filter because you were trying to quit and refused to buy another pack?"

Tim rattled his pack of Pall Malls. "Speaking of which, Shell, you owe us like five hundred dollars for all the little ciggies you bummed."

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