Lunatic RavingsBy Stephen Johnson |
||
| Sunday, March 26, 2006 Fitting the Pieces With the Parts Toto---"Falling In Between" MoTW---"All Souls Day" "Oh my goodness! What is this all over the walls? Is it.........IT IS! YOU SMEARED FECES ALL OVER YOUR WALLS!" With that I woke up and hopped out of bed. And, sure enough, there were brown smears on every wall and a pretty intense odor of bodily waste. "What have you done! What ever compelled you to wipe your feces all over the wall. Bill! BILL?" My father ran up the stairs and entered my room. "Oh lordy, lordy, LORDY! Is that shit on your walls! IS THAT SHIT ON YOUR WALLS?" I decided that denial was out of the question and that this was the best time to tell the complete truth. "I would say it IS shit, dad. Yet it is not my shit. It is shit from a monkey," I said with an imperious tone of voice. That didn't sit too well with my day, made obvious by the backhand slap he delivered to my face. "A monkey? A MONKEY? What kind of crap is that?" I pointed towards the closet. "Look in there if you don't believe me," I said as I rubbed my face with my non-pointing hand. "No," said dad. "No. We're not that stupid to believe that there's a monkey living in your closet. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard and the dumbest lie you have ever come up with." "What are we going to do," mother whined."First off, he's going to clean the shit off the walls. Then he's going to have some breakfast since it's....." "....the most important meal of the day," mother finished for him. "Quite, quite," he continued as he lit up a More. "Then he's going to weed the yard and then we'll take him to a doctor to see what kind of drugs he's obviously on." With that they left, mom to get cleaning supplies and dad to finish his most important meal of the day. I went to the closet and there was nothing on the floor except for some shoes, banana peels and a baseball bat. I looked around the room for the monkey, but it had disappeared. I gave up looking for the monkey when the cleaning supplies were delivered. I concentrated on wiping off the shit without disturbing the paint. Lucky for me the shit hadn't dried and was fairly easy to wipe off. Next up was my most important meal of the day which consisted of the usual bowl of Special K and then I was outside pulling weeds. I had mastered the art of "pulling" weeds when I discovered that chopping up the weeds with a hoe was much easier than bending down to pick each weeds so I was done in a little less than an hour. I then found myself in the car heading to the doctor's office. The whole drive my parents talked to me about the evils of drugs which I half-listened too since I wasn't too deep into drugs at that point except for the paint sniffing and occasional use of marijuana which, of course, had been forced upon me by my peers. When we reached the doctor's office, I became very scared. What if I had dreamt about the monkey and the shit was really mine? What if I had a huge tumor in my head causing my monkey hallucinations? Suddenly I knew how that kid felt at the end of "The Omen". Unluckily for me (for some reason) my parents had also seen that movie and I was dragged into the waiting room even though I cried and struggled ferociously. Luckily for me (for some reason) I wasn't placed on an altar with my dad poised over me with a dagger, but was forced to sit in a seat with a copy of Highlight magazine while my mother gave my name to the receptionist. COMING NEXT: What shall the doctor find? |
|
