Lunatic RavingsBy Stephen Johnson |
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| Sunday, March 05, 2006 Pieces of the Parts Bruce Dickinson---"Tyranny of Souls" MoTW---"The Jacket" I awoke the next morning with a smile as visions of monkeys pranced through my mind. As I peeled the sheet from my somehow sticky groin area, I new that this would be the defining moment of my life. This would make or break me and lead my down the path I was meant to travel on for the rest of my life.I took a quick shower, dressed and went down stairs to the kitchen where my mother had my daily bowl of Special K ready. This time I didn't complain about the warm milk but enjoyed it as if it were the finest meal I had ever had. "So, what are you going to do today?" mom asked as she clipped coupons from the newspaper. "Going into work to push carts ma!" I answered gleefully. "Just remember to come home immediately after work since you're probably grounded or something," she said as she took a sip of Sanka. "Yep, you bet," I answered as I ate the remaining soggy spoonful of cereal. "Just remember that I'm working a double shift today so I won't be home until really late." As she pondered this, I quickly left the kitchen. I didn't feel particularly sad about lying since I had done it many, many times before and felt that it had finally become natural. It's true that I did have to work, but only for a couple hours that morning. I figured I would throw the double shift shit in since I didn't know how long it would take me to find a monkey in our neck of the woods. Off to work I went and the couple hours went by slowly since I had monkey on my mind. However, this was the day that I saw Stephanie Avis for the first time and I felt that strange stirring in my nether parts again. I stood for a few moments staring at her as she was being trained on the finer points of proper cashiering techniques until I was interrupted by a whack on the back of my head by the assistant manager who felt that I was being a bit derelict on my cart gathering duties. Finally my shift was over and I hopped on my trusty bike and pedalled to the nearest pet store. Figuring on a letdown, I entered the store with no hope on purchasing a live monkey, but luck was on my side that day. I actually almost left the store quickly when I was assailed with a strong shit odor as soon as I opened the door. Shit was dripping down the walls, cages, toys, food, workers and customers and I found myself ducking a shit missile that was heading my way as soon as the door closed behind me. "Hey, do you guys have a monkey that I can buy?" I asked as I crouched down. An employee ran over to me as shit smacked him on the head and shoulders. "Did you ask for a monkey?" "Yep, I sure did," I replied figuring what the answer would be while planning my next move on how exit the store without getting hit with poo. "This is your lucky day!" the employee said. "As luck would have it, we got a healthy male monkey in yesterday that someone gave to us since they were going overseas! I'll sell it to you cheap!" We bartered on the price for awhile as the shit continued to fly through the air. The final price of $7.50 was finally agreed upon and I was given a box and pointed to the direction of the monkeys whereabouts. I crawled over to the area where I was directed to and found my new monkey was the shit-throwing culprit. After debating on the best way to capture him, I finally pushed the cage to the ground and, as the monkey lay twitching and stunned, opened the door, yanked him from the cage and threw him into the box. I was hurriedly escorted to the register where I paid the $7.50 and then rushed from the store when I figured I should maybe buy a monkey care book but the door was strangely locked when I tried to go back in. No matter, I thought, I would feed him bananas since all monkeys like bananas. Back home I went, trying to figure out a good lie to tell my mom on why I didn't work a double shift that day. COMING NEXT: Monkey shines! |
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