I’m late with this week’s article for a number of reasons… Here; I’ll explain. My girlfriend’s birthday, and my best friend’s bachelor party just happened to fall on the same weekend. So If I wasn’t blasted, getting lap dances at some strip club in Atlanta with my buddies, I was blasted and away in throws of ecstasy at the hands of my enchanting paramour. So while this isn’t an apology, at least it’s an explanation.
To complicate things further, two of the chairs in my dining room have engaged in a staring contest. With no winner in sight, the Lord and I have been avoiding that part of the house altogether. The chairs are literally coming unglued. Not “literally unglued” like Keith Morrison at MSNBC seems to like to describe the Susan Polk family, no unlike people, chairs can come unglued, literally.
When asked the chairs said they entered the staring contest, so that I would have something more interesting than the legitimacy of Jeromes to write about.
I forgot about the conflict when my friend arrived, and we left for the strip clubs in Atlanta. The women… well… my girlfriend and my friend’s future wife may be reading this so I can’t go into great detail. Suffice to say there was a big white puddle outside the club. The cabbie got “white” mad when he hit it, but he stopped and gave us a ride, so fuck him.
Saint Garion: “That’s right! I said FUCK HIM!”
God: “What with?”
Saint Garion: “Never mind.”
At the hotel we encountered two very interesting pieces of blasphemy; a Gideon bible and a Book of Mormon.
God: “These wouldn’t be blasphemous if people cut out all of the words that Jesus didn’t actually say and put the words that he actually did use back in, and people learned Hebrew…”
And an extremely trashed Saint Garion spoke to the groom: “God has shpoken to me you wannabe catholic asshole, we are to go to Crystal, eat many horrible yet suspiciasiously deliciouous things, and shit in an explosive manner upon these books.” I pointed at the wall but the books were on the table which was against the wall.
The groom recognizing the dread look in my eye complied as best he could. Basically we were too drunk to get a cab to take us to Crystal, for he knew what was in store for the cabbie that did. Instead for a moderately obscene amount of money he would bring Crystal burgers to us, and so it was that Saint Garion and the Groom communicated the will of God to the Mormons and the Gideons, and the folks that are going to have to bleach and repaint that part of the parking lot, and cut down and burn the nearby trees and grass.