Ten years ago on this very day I had my very first drink. Tequila: a fine starter drink. I was told that drinking was of the devil, and so was sex. So just after finishing a bottle and hanging from a diving board in a pool between two chicks that liked to kiss each other over my shoulder, God spoke to me for the very first time.
God: “Does this feel evil?”
Garion: “Fuck no.”
The girls were confused but continued rubbing and kissing nonetheless. Rub, Rub, Rub, Kiss, Kiss, Kiss.
In my head the following conversation took place; in italics.
God: “Garion, you will be may saint and will spread my word among the people.”
Garion: “Sure whatever. Ok. Just let me get back to…”
God: “So you accept sainthood?”
Garion: “Yeh, uh huh.”
God: “And I will send to you my only begotten son in the form of…”
The Holy Spirit whispers something into Gods ear.
God to the Holy Spirit: “A FUCKING PUPPY DOG!!!”
God to Garion (apologetically): “Hold on Garion, I need to put Ms. Spooky ass ‘Holy Spirit’ in a little time out I like to call the void.”
Garion: “Holyshit I can’t believe this is happening!”
God: “Yes I know, I am amazing. If I were to appear to you in my true form you would melt and Florida would fall into the sea.”
Garion (continuing): “Holyshit I can’t believe this is happening!”
God: “Yes, I can’t believe that the Republican’s are actually going to start a war to kill off poor voters, and indoctrinate the ones that survive into their destructive and shortsighted world view.”
Garion (continuing): “Holyshit I can’t believe this is happening! This = heaven.”
God: “While two chicks making out with you and each other is heaven like, it isn’t heaven. All heaven actually has going for it is an Irish Pub that has darts, good pool tables, and free beer. And No Republicans, at least no one that was republican from Regan on… ’cause that’s when they lost their minds and fell in love with money and lies of the Devil.”
But enough on how I came to know God through two lesbian chicks, Jerome has reappeared. I found him lying in the road outside my home. The particularly odd thing about it was that the Holy Spirit, being spooky and mysterious, slammed my foot on the break, which prevented his head from popping right off and into a neighbor’s window.
The neighbor, old fuck bastard, has gone out and gotten himself a roommate. A very ugly, malicious, old, fuck cat. It is an evil entity that knows no good, and has a black chaotic void for a heart. Anyway, I’m pretty sure that Jerome’s head, if popped off correctly would zip right into the window and kill the cat. I told Jerome about the cat.
Garion: “Jerome, how wonderful to see that you are alive!”
Jerome: “Please don’t mutilate me, try to cut out the bad parts, give me wings or anything like that, just kill me.”
Garion: “OK, just one thing first though. I want to hit you in such a way so that you head launches off in that direction and kills that evil cat over there. See it?”
Jerome: “Sweet Jesus, that’s an evil fucking cat. I can feel it’s malicious intent. It wants to see me die!”
Garion: “That’s why it’ll still be looking out the window when your head pops off; he’ll be entranced, unable to move, and your head will crush him against the far wall.”
Jerome: “My death will have meaning. Thank you Garion. You sick bastard.”
I got into my car, backed up about a block, and hit the gas. Jerome’s head flew off as planned and in the evil cat’s last moment he knew that he had been driven from this world, because of his obsession with the suffering of others. If only there were more Jeromes in the world.
- Friday, April 19, 2024
