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Psycho Sermons:
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Friday, May 20, 2005


Neighbors Haul Shit

The problem with living in an apartment complex is that every once in a while you get, well, a surprise waiting for you in the parking lot, usually late at night or very early in the morning. Thursday morning I woke, showered, and prepared for work. I decided to dress like a Mormon for work so that people would leave me the fuck alone. (It was pretending to be Mormon or pretending to have Cancer.) As a Mormon, what I end up with is white shirt, black tie, black pants, and a really big smile.

So I emerge from my apartment to find fuck bastard neighbors unloading a U-Haul (that’s a do it yourself moving truck) behind my truck, blocking my only path to work. My first thought was, “OK, so I know what I am going to write about tomorrow,” which was good because it kept me from having to leave two corpses in the driveway cut in half by the twisted metal of an old fucking U-Haul ramp as a warning to future residents that might actually be this fucking inconsiderate.

But no, all was peace. I smiled in a friendly manner and got into my truck. I asked the truck if it thought it could get around the fuckers, and it said, “Nope.” (It’s a Ford. If it was a Chevy it would have said, “Fuck No.” If it was a Chrysler PT Cruiser it would have given me a pot head laugh.) They approached me as I sat quietly pondering, “Coffee, I can’t execute this kind of maneuver without having any Coffee.” “Ooo I could go upstairs and make some coffee, and call in sick.” The social one asked if he could help, he wanted to drive, he thought he could get the truck out.

I gave him a simple, “No thanks,” and got back out of the truck. I, feeling apathetic about my job, walked out to the golf course, Thursday was a beautiful day. And I didn’t really want to go to work so there wasn’t much reason to get mad at those guys. By this time they had apologized a few times and were moving a bit faster than before. They saw me talking to myself, and I was dressed like a Mormon. “Have you two heard the good news,” I began. Then they really started to move. Smiling with the satisfaction that I had sufficiently freaked them out, I continued to preach the good word.

I helped them move the last bits of stuff and watched them move the U-Haul out of the way so quickly that they almost took out a tree. And off I went to spread the fear of all that which is Mormon to corporate America.

God Bless.


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