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Psycho Sermons:
TheWeirdcrap.com offers an outlet for Bel Garion. Which is good because it keeps him off the streets.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

 

The Smell That Would Not Die

I came home from work to find an extremely unpleasant smell. I cleaned the bathroom. I cleaned the dog’s litter box. I cleaned the living room. I cleaned the bedroom. I cleaned the fucking dining room. I cleaned the nook. I cleaned the garage. And then I considered the kitchen. “Oh, shit.”

I cleaned the ceiling fans.

I entered the kitchen in fear. I took out the trash. I cleaned the refrigerator. I cleaned the pile of fucking pots and pans that my girlfriend said she would fucking clean two months ago. The smell lingered. Then I found it. A dead fucking sock gnome, rancid as hell, the dog must have found it, recognized it as evil, and fucking killed it on the spot. But the Lord, that’s the dog’s name, was ashamed of what he had done, so he hid the corpse of the bastard gnome under the fucking sink. Actually the dog pretty much loves our fucking socks, so I figure he killed the sock gnome ‘cause he was hiding all of the dirty socks. Enough about the Lord, we got a fucking e-mail!

Bob: “Holy Shit!”
Garion: “Yes, Bob. OK, so tell me what the fuck, tell me NOW!”
Bob: “Somebody sent us a fucking email!”
Garion: “Shall I reply to said fuck e-mail?”
Bob: “Fuck yes, it’s a chick!”

Hello Jennifer,

We have received your e-mail and are very excited about posting a reply. So here goes.

Jennifer wrote, “I have a female dog about 4 years old, and for the past few months.. she will itch her butt (above her tail) on anything, even a leaf! It can barely be touching her and she will move back and forth on it and nip at the air and whimper. She will do it on anything, and we don't know why.”

Well Bob would profess based on his scientific knowledge that Spiders from outer space have died and left alien micro-organisms behind to make the cat’s butt itch. He would insist that your cat is stuffing gravel up its ass to kill the little bastards. But the Lord (that’s my dog) tells me that your fucking cat has tape worms. You see fleas communicate the worms, and the Lord is an expert when it comes to fleas. The worms make the cat’s butt itch and it, in response, hauls ass across your floor, and even leaves, to scratch in the most desperate and efficient manner possible.

What I suggest is that you inspect your cat’s anus. Don’t be afraid to stick two fingers up is ass and spread them to help you get a better view. You may have to give the cat some vodka and milk before you attempt this treatment. Then with your other hand take a small mustard spoon and scoop out all of the little rice looking thingies. Those are the worms. Burn them. Lastly, take your cat to a priest and have it blessed, be sure to tell the priest what you did to the cat. Then take it to the vet and pay for whatever the vet wants to do to the cat. It doesn’t really matter.

Hugs and Kisses from God,

Garion

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