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Maculate Conception - 04/28/03
By Bel Garion
Published each Tuesday

Dear Bel,

I had a horrifying morning. I felt as if I was moving with super speed, and experienced the torment of one who is waiting. Waiting and watching eternity come and go a thousand times while my wife prepared her lunch. My head swam with frustration when I, ready to leave for work, endured an impossible woman slowly spread mayonnaise over one slice of bread and then a few minutes later, a second slice of bread. My mind racing up the walls and out the door, I watched her fold the ham for the same sandwich she started what seemed 5 minutes before carefully laying each slice out. Then a square slice of cheese, which she carefully tore in two equal halves and laid into, a square, on one of the slices of carefully prepared bread slices, which was now an easily stale by now. I watched in agony while she cut her tomato and lettuce but had to turn away when she got out the Tupperware so that they could be stored and transported separately. It was at that time that I decided it would be best for me lay and hibernate until she was finished. I woke refreshed when she asked if I was ready.

Bel, I almost started yelling at her this morning. I don't want to yell at my wife. What is wrong with me?

Please help,



The problem is that you were in fact moving in time faster than your wife. At the rate you are going you'll be dead at 35. Here is what I recommend, drink less coffee in the morning or start taking sedatives. Wait! I know! When ever you feel like your wife is moving too slow and you have super-speed and you really want to bitch her out, take a shot of tequila.

Tell her she drove you to it and that should do the trick.


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