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Maculate Conception - 12/03/02
By Bel Garion
Published each Tuesday

A week ago I received the following email:

Dear Bel,

I have this icky sticky eyeball growing in my right shoulder. I keep on calling on God to help me but he doesn't seem to be able to hear me. Did I do something wrong? Why did he stop talking to me?

-Father Lanier

I consulted with the man upstairs and he revealed to me that this "Father Lanier" did in fact have an eyeball in his shoulder. I was commanded to seek out Father Lanier with no less that 7 prostitutes and make them watch while I tear the budding demon soul from his new eye and commit it to hell. Not one to question a divine command, I said "OK". At first the man resisted, he was very athletic. He wriggled this way and that, chafing at his bonds, saying things like "God is dead", in an attempt to free himself. I think he would have gotten away were it not for the prostitutes. He grew still as they entered the room. While he was distracted, I quickly tore out the soul (and the eye with it), chewed it up, and spit it onto the tile floor where it burst into flames. The women came back home with me and are now members of my church, as for Father Lanier, he is eternally grateful. He tells me that is was like having someone else pop a really infected zit that was beginning to make you think about razors and knives.

Well I hope you all will read this and adopt better hygiene.


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