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Maculate Conception - 10/01/02
By Bel Garion
Published each Tuesday

Over the weekend I received a visit from one of my more learned and perhaps my most well educated of friends. We were good friends in college and of course the only reason that he is more educated than the rest of us is only by virtue of the sheer amount of time he has spent in school. I graduated college and started a career fighting demons and converting some of the world sickest minds to Christianity, while he quite frankly remained a perpetual student. My closest of friends who are women refer to him as a big teddy bear. The men of course know that he is an obnoxious alcoholic teddy bear. Needless to say we enjoy his company a great deal.

It is with this man, my old college buddy, that on Friday evening I sat on the porch and consumed good portion of tequila and an entire bottle of Rum 151, after having a 5 or 6 Jack and Cokes at a local bar. The insects stopped biting us around midnight noticing the sudden chemical death of their comrades when they took some of what was in our veins. We talked about a great many things but the most interesting of which was why the hell at four in the morning of every single day did someone barrel down the lonely dirt road that leads to my only to my home, stop and turn around and leave for no apparent reason whatsoever. Nothing taken, nothing given. Mystified and poisoned beyond what most men can stand, we plotted to sabotage this man's vehicle the next time he visited. We would have to disable the vehicle because his visits were so brief it would be impossible to waive him down and ask him what it was that he was doing. We also knew that he was up to no good. Couldn't be, not at 4am.

We devised a plan, and decided it would be a good idea to hammer nails into a board (while wasted) and lay it over the area that this unwanted nightly visitor frequents. We would continue to drink until he arrived and interrogate him when his tires failed. At 4am, he did not disappoint us, we heard him well before we saw him. We were sitting in the dark offered by both the remote location of my home and the lattice work of front porch, and listened to his car tear up the few stones which lay in the road to provide traction when it rains. We sipped on the last of the Rum151, which we had mixed with some Coke (mostly for color), and chuckled in righteous anticipation.

He ran over the nails, and stopped his car, but no longer than usual. He rocketed away on torn rubber and grinding metal. We gave chase and actually caught up to him a few blocks down the road. My friend was driving and I, hanging out of the passenger side window drooling in the wind, saw that the driver of the other vehicle was asleep. I laughed out loud and turned to find my driver asleep as well. I asked his SUV to kindly take us home and not to take any more direction from my slumbering friend. It obliged and we were home safely within a few minutes. As for the mysterious driver of the other vehicle, we know he is ok because he still comes back, every morning at 4am.

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