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Maculate Conception - 9/10/02
By Bel Garion
Published each Tuesday

Dear Bel,

My home has become infested with the most voracious and bold insects I have ever seen. When I prepare meals, they invade my cooking space. They crawl on me in my sleep. They even stare at me when I am on the toilet. I really want to kill these little bastards, but no poison seems to affect them. Spraying them, I think, just entertains them. They mock me by prancing through the little puddles of Raid, pretending that they don't even know it is there. I would move but I have lived here for a long time and it would not be easy for me to leave this place. I have resorted to smashing them one at a time. I cannot keep food in my home any longer. I am afraid to use the bathroom and to go to sleep at night. I think one crawled in my mouth last night, it tasted like poison; they may be trying to kill me. Please help.


Dear Chad,

Your problem is common, in Indonesia. The people there have found that very little will kill a resilient bug outside of fire. Now while it is unreasonable to ask you to burn down your home to get rid of your bugs, it may be the only way to save the rest of the world from infestation. The alternative would be to adopt a bobcat. It would hunt and kill every insect that would dare to come out of hiding and torment you. However, I recommend against both the bobcat and the fire, the bobcat would probably attack you as well as the bugs. In Indonesia, they know that if your tilt all of the picture frames to the side that the little demons that like to come and sit on top of them will slide off onto the floor. The demons then become angry. The Demons, ruled by their emotions and possessing little reason, are likely to fall into a fit of rage. Don't worry, since they are so small, they will not strike out at you. If these demons don't kill your bugs Chad, it's time to burn the house.


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