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Maculate Conception - 9/03/02
By Bel Garion
Published each Tuesday

Dear Bel,

Let me begin by saying that last night I beat my wife into unconsciousness and that I do not feel that I have betrayed her. I feel that I gave her the relief that she desperately needed. It was late when we arrived at our apartment yesterday. Upon entering she turned on a light, as usual, but did not stop turning on lights. She kept turning on the lights until all of them were on in every room. Then she began to clean, and would scream at me if I turned off one of the lights. At some point in her nervous cleaning frenzy she paused and announced that the apartment did not appear to be habitable when all of the lights were turned on, flashed a quick feral smile, and returned to her cleaning. It became obvious to me that she had gone mad, so I grabbed our chafing dish and beat her until she was safely asleep. This morning she is ok, but what should I do to keep this from happening again?


Dear Emory,

You have an interesting home life. Make double sure that at least two lights do not work in your home. Sabotage the light itself, not just the bulb. Next time this mood hits her, whatever it is, it will be ok because she will not be able to turn all of the lights on. Next, get her addicted to alcohol or sports. They are both legal and time-honored ways of avoiding paying too much attention to ourselves, and the world around us.


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