A Crime for Humanity
The other day when my wife and I were walking at the park, when we noticed some children were playing in one of
those sports utility vehicles. They were obviously unsupervised, because one was trying to push another through
a half open window. Their mother was nowhere to be seen. We approached the vehicle and found three children. The
first two were probably between four and five years old but the third was an infant left in a car seat. The infant
was crying. I hate it when babies cry. My head turns all red and my eyes start to water and twitch. My wife took
it upon herself to change the baby's diaper, and ask the two older children where mommy was. They looked at me
and said that they didn't know, as if they were trying to protect her... I knew they were trying to protect her
and that she was up to no good.
Out of concern for the children, we decided to stick around for a few minutes for the mother to return. Five minutes
passed, then ten. I began to experience what I can only describe as a calculating righteous anger which started
somewhere down in my stomach and steadily worked it's way up to my head as a single booming voice that demanded
I could not remember how long you were allowed by law to leave a dog in a car unattended, so I asked my wife. She
didn't know either. I noticed the keys were in the ignition. So my wife and I got into the SUV, gave the kids some
of the Girl Scout Cookies we packed with our lunch, and told them that we were going to play a trick on mommy.
That seemed to please them. We laughed together. I think the kids were mostly laughing because we were, but I am
sure some part of them believed that if we were playing a prank on mommy, we would be seeing her soon.
I parked the car on the other side of the parking lot. Then we told the kids to be good, returned to our own vehicle,
and waited for mommy to return. Five minutes later we were contemplating killing the mother and taking the children
for our own, when their mother emerged from the park. She had obviously had more than a very nice lunch with this
man... who was obviously not the father of the children in the SUV. He was neither young nor handsome. He was too
short. And then it hit me. It was BOB!
A look of complete terror grips the woman's face and she lets out a scream. Her children were gone and her terror
was delicious. However, my wife and I were experiencing a horror of our own. Bob had sex with a woman! Bob was
surprised, but he quickly spotted the SUV on the other side of the parking lot. As my wife began plotting to tie
the mother's tubes before it's too late, the woman runs for the car. Bob felt something, a chill went down his
spine, he knew I was near. But my wife was already pulling away, we had gone unnoticed. We knew that we did something
wonderful for those kids; their mother would never leave them unattended again. But we couldn't shake that uneasy
feeling that they might soon be joined by a spawn of Bob.
COMING NEXT: Peanut Butter!