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Maculate Conception!

Maculate
Conception - 04/16/02

By Bel Garion
Published each Tuesday


A Crime for Humanity

The other day when my wife and I were walking at the park, when we noticed some children were playing in one of those sports utility vehicles. They were obviously unsupervised, because one was trying to push another through a half open window. Their mother was nowhere to be seen. We approached the vehicle and found three children. The first two were probably between four and five years old but the third was an infant left in a car seat. The infant was crying. I hate it when babies cry. My head turns all red and my eyes start to water and twitch. My wife took it upon herself to change the baby's diaper, and ask the two older children where mommy was. They looked at me and said that they didn't know, as if they were trying to protect her... I knew they were trying to protect her and that she was up to no good.

Out of concern for the children, we decided to stick around for a few minutes for the mother to return. Five minutes passed, then ten. I began to experience what I can only describe as a calculating righteous anger which started somewhere down in my stomach and steadily worked it's way up to my head as a single booming voice that demanded action.

I could not remember how long you were allowed by law to leave a dog in a car unattended, so I asked my wife. She didn't know either. I noticed the keys were in the ignition. So my wife and I got into the SUV, gave the kids some of the Girl Scout Cookies we packed with our lunch, and told them that we were going to play a trick on mommy. That seemed to please them. We laughed together. I think the kids were mostly laughing because we were, but I am sure some part of them believed that if we were playing a prank on mommy, we would be seeing her soon.

I parked the car on the other side of the parking lot. Then we told the kids to be good, returned to our own vehicle, and waited for mommy to return. Five minutes later we were contemplating killing the mother and taking the children for our own, when their mother emerged from the park. She had obviously had more than a very nice lunch with this man... who was obviously not the father of the children in the SUV. He was neither young nor handsome. He was too short. And then it hit me. It was BOB!

A look of complete terror grips the woman's face and she lets out a scream. Her children were gone and her terror was delicious. However, my wife and I were experiencing a horror of our own. Bob had sex with a woman! Bob was surprised, but he quickly spotted the SUV on the other side of the parking lot. As my wife began plotting to tie the mother's tubes before it's too late, the woman runs for the car. Bob felt something, a chill went down his spine, he knew I was near. But my wife was already pulling away, we had gone unnoticed. We knew that we did something wonderful for those kids; their mother would never leave them unattended again. But we couldn't shake that uneasy feeling that they might soon be joined by a spawn of Bob.


COMING NEXT: Peanut Butter!


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