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This Weeks
Commentaries:
Maculate Conception
Chick Shit for Chic Chicks
Lunatic Ravings
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The Archives:
2001
  Chick Shit...
  Lunatic Ravings
  Ask Bob
  Maculate Conception

 

Maculate Conception - 12/26/01
By Bel Garion
Published each Tuesday


Last week I received a visit from Jerome! In case you forgot, Jerome is Bob and Stephen's favorite plaything. They enjoy feeding him poison and beating him until he is near death (or mutilated beyond all recognition). I remember when they hurt him so badly that he could not walk anymore. How has he survived you ask? Faith healing of course! I usually only get to see Jerome when he has been badly hurt, So when he came by my place perfectly OK I was confused.

When he came by on Saturday, I was of course very drunk and none to happy to notice a drooling man peering into my living room window. "Hoeney, is there a scary man louking in the widow?" My wife screamed, ripped a leg off the dining room table, and ran outside. I shrugged and continued to watch TV while my wife beat the trash out of the poor bastard who was obviously looking in the wrong window. This went on until the Toyota commercial came on and I went to go see what my wife was talking about in the kitchen.

It was Jerome! My wife had only struck him once or twice before she realized who it was and invited him in for some tea. Jerome looked up at me with those big brown helpless eyes and begged me to tell him about my childhood. After five hours of interrogation (and two bottles of Jack Daniels), I discovered that Bob had sent him to spy on me! "That's why you were outside the widow!"

I told him to just make up a good story for Bob, "Tell hum what you think he wants to hear." Jerome slowly and deliberately nodded, and stood up. He didn't understand. "Tell them about your childhood." Then I realized that he was getting away, he managed to untie himself from the chair and was making for the door. He got all the way to the front gate before I caught him. I don't really know why but I suddenly felt inspired, almost as if a voice was telling me that Jerome wasn't running fast enough.

What was God's solution to make things run faster? Wings! I had to give Jerome wings. So I put Jerome in the trunk and drove him out into the country. I think he actually watched me rip the wings from an ostrich before he passed out. He must have a very good alcohol tolerance. Morning came and Jerome woke up pretty quick when I threw him from a tree. The operation was a complete success; I have never seen anyone run so fast in my entire life.

COMING NEXT: Salad Shooter Fun!

 

 

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