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This Weeks
Commentaries:
Maculate Conception
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The Archives:
2001
  Chick Shit...
  Lunatic Ravings
  Ask Bob
  Maculate Conception

 

Maculate Conception - 12/18/01
By Bel Garion
Published each Tuesday


Dear Bel,

Recently I went out of town on a business trip. I returned five days later to find that someone had filled the bed with leaves and twigs. I assumed one of my children were responsible as they often misbehave when I am away. I went to find my wife, to see if she knew about the bed. I found her eating in the kitchen. When I spoke, she snapped up from her plate and gave me an evil eye. I concluded that she was angry and it would be a good idea if I let her cool off a bit, so without another word, I went to take a shower. Our two children always seem to give her a hard time when I am away, I figure that it's because she doesn't believe in spanking and I do.
Suddenly, from the shower I hear the children screaming. Then it sounded like someone had just punched my wife in the stomach. I dashed out of the shower, got the shotgun from the closet and burst into the kitchen. With soap burning in my eyes, I discovered that my wife was attempting to vomit into my five-year-olds mouth! The shock and horror hit me like a fist, I tensed and the gun fired killing all three of them!

Later I explained what I could to the police. The investigation revealed that the kids had started behaving strangely at school. And then when they showed up with chunks of vomit on their clothes, they were sent home sick. The autopsy revealed that the kids had been eating their mother's regurgitated food for a couple of days. My family is gone! My life is ruined! Help me Bel!

-Widower


Dear Widower,

I am sorry. At first I did not know how I could help you. Nevertheless, I have had some time to think about it, so here it is. When I reach out with my mind, I can feel your pain. I also see that you have company. You are not the first person this has happened to. Random people all over the world (mostly in the US) are beginning to behave as if they have picked up some instincts found commonly in birds. You will meet someone soon. Her name is Heather. You will fall in love quickly. You have a lot in common. When you invite her over to your place, you will discover that she is often on the road same as you and cannot often enjoy her husband's wholesome vegetarian cooking. Soon her family will meet a fate similar to yours. Your salvation from this insanity that consumed your families resulted from your inability to maintain a strict vegetarian diet while on the road. Anyway, you will be happier with Heather and your kids were just going to grow up to be psychopathic non-meat-eating animal activists anyway, so it is for the best. Hope this helps.

-Bel

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