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This Weeks
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Maculate Conception
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The Archives:
2001
  Chick Shit...
  Lunatic Ravings
  Ask Bob
  Maculate Conception

 

Maculate Conception - 11/14/01
By Bel Garion
Published each Tuesday


Dear Readers,

Recently I have received many questions about that "Islam" thing. Being the only religious scholar at here at theweirdcrap.com, I am happy to be of service.

Seems to me that many of us might like to be part of a religion that justifies violence. Or maybe it's the instant escape offered in death that appeals to us, a heaven in which we will be given virgins to deflower. Now if I grew up in a hot desert where my sister would look pretty damn good, if she wasn't covered head to toe in clothes, I might need to believe in a death that has something young and flexible to offer. I am not out to make anyone angry, so calm down. After all, just because you don't believe in a god, doesn't mean you want to make her angry.

Islam is very much a man's religion, much the same as Christianity used to be back in the good old days. "Islam" roughly translated means, "Submission to God's will." The "Muslim" is "one who submits" to the five pillars of Islam.

They are as follows:

  1. Say "God=1=Allah; Muhammad said so"
  2. Pray 5 times a day
  3. Find out when Ramadan is, and fast until the sun goes down, then eat until you puke
  4. Go to Mecca, by plane
  5. Don't tell anyone that you beat off while thinking about your sister


I know what you're thinking, "Bel, what about the virgins? What about the Holy War?" Well forget about it. Sit down, have a Coke. Rent a porno. Go out to a club, get laid. Who needs this suicidal shit when you don't live in a desert?

Next Week: Something Different.

 

 

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