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This Weeks
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Maculate Conception
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2001
  Chick Shit...
  Lunatic Ravings
  Ask Bob
  Maculate Conception

 

Maculate Conception - 07/24/01
By Bel Garion
Published each Tuesday


Elevator Confessions:

The phrases "Christian Right" and "Religious Right," are often used as slurs, and rightly so. It's easy to stereotype Christians as mean-spirited zealots. Most of them are. When scam artists like Benny Hinn are on television more often than legitimate Christian Saints, and when prominent, politically active Christians are disgraced by personal scandal (usually of a sexual nature), the entire religion's image suffers. Not many realize that Christians are doing all of this on purpose. They do it to raise suspicion and fear. Who or what is behind the core beliefs of the Christians? Why are evangelical Christians so passionate about certain issues? Who will tell you why they want people to believe? Do they have some sinister purpose?

If you don't know what it's like being relentlessly pursued by the needy, then I am here for you brother, let me explain. Christian terminology scares people as much as inbreeding does. Christians use this terminology to keep needy people away, but it doesn't always work…

While I've always believed in God, I went through a life-changing religious experience in adulthood. I died. I can tell you that this was my "Sanctification." I immediately found many of my likes, dislikes, habits, and desires changing, some dramatically, some subtly. I've also seen this change effect how others approach me, as they now do it more often than they should.

There is an infrequently discussed supernatural component of Christianity, a kind of magnetism if you will. First, let me say that the next person that confesses anything to me while I am trapped in an elevator with them will die a horrible, painful death.
.
Recently I have enjoyed several such elevator confessions. I have used the appropriate language to frighten them away, but they keep coming back for more. It's like they stand around by the elevator, waiting to pounce upon me as soon as I board.

Some recent unsolicited confessions include statements like "I grew up in a retirement home", "I can't get off Social Security, the government thinks I am crazy", and "Last night I let my boyfriend fuck me in the ass to the tune of Yankee Doodle Dandy."

Christians believe that God is literally inside their Saints. This is just like say, "God possession" in the same sense as the more familiar concept of demon possession because God will sometimes take over and remove the Saint's free will. For example, as much as I sincerely want to hurt these people as they confess to me in the elevator, really just beat them to death, I cannot. All I can manage is the most sinister of warnings; "You are forgiven, brother."

It's like being closed in a giant fist. Saints are not free to make either smart or stupid decisions, and their worldview is affected by the internal "leading" or "prompting" of the Holy Spirit. Listening to this inner voice leads a Christian to a happier place. Ignoring it becomes completely unacceptable.

What does this feel like? Pins. Lots of pins. Pins that hurt, and hurt lots. LOTS!! Boy, but I sure do love it when they approach me outside of an elevator. Then that I can REALLY let them have it.

From my personal experience, I know that it's common for people to gain an overwhelming sense of peace and contentment after I have put them in fear of their life. They come to appreciate the everyday miracles of life, nature, and art with a whole new intensity. And that's what its all about, making people fell good.

I know that you might be thinking right now that I'm a little "off." If you haven't experienced this yourself, it's probably difficult to imagine. Future columns may or may not explore this further. Thanks for reading and "God Bless."

COMING NEXT: I haven't thought of that yet!
Email Bel

   

2000
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  Lunatic Ravings
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