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Maculate Conception
05/29/01


Maculate Conception
By Bel Garion

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  Dear Bob Bel,
Why do dogs eat shit?
Jason

Well Jason, that reminds me of the time God turned me into a traffic cone. I was unhappy as a traffic cone and had the unwelcome feeling that someone was trying to teach me a lesson.

One day I saw a rich guy drive by. Through his open window, I saw how many beautiful women were with him in the car. "What a stud!" I thought. I began to notice every rich guy that drove by, most of them had at least one pretty girl. I was jealous and wanted to be like them; driving on the highway with women in the car, instead of just sitting on the side of the road, directing traffic with my helpless little orange body.

I moved into the road and blacked out.

Suddenly I was behind the wheel of a car! I had a woman in the car with me and she seemed real excited! The other traffic cones saw me driving the nice car. I could tell they were upset with me because they kept jumping in front of the car.

Soon a police car came barreling down the highway; he took out at least a dozen traffic cones. He was in quite a hurry! The woman in the car looked longingly at the policeman as he drove by, pounding on the glass. She was obviously longing for his manly vigor.

"WOW, that guy is cool!" I thought.

The guy in the trunk started kicking when he heard the police car. It didn't take very long for the little kicking noises to upset me. I pulled over, opened the trunk and vigorously beat him about the head.

The patrolman drove around the corner so fiercely that he smashed right into a concrete barrier. He slowly got out of the car and walked over to me.

"Uh, could you help me get this stuff out of my eyes?" he asked.

Red and gray matter oozed out of the crack in his forehead and dripped down.

I realized it was his brain.

My lunch jumped in my stomach, through my neck and right out my mouth and nose!

He walked over to the grass gently lied down and died, while I vomited a few feet away.

After making Misty suck gas through a hose, I was on the road again AND I had a cop car and a gun! I looped around and around taking out as many of those little orange bastards as I could.

I pulled over a few cars and arrested a really confused and underdressed woman.

Locking her in the trunk with Misty, I went back to pick up some of my old traffic cone buddies. I enjoyed locking the women in back with the cones. It made being a traffic cone, not seem so bad.

Then, as I was taking out my aggressions on the highway, speeding along, hitting cone after cone, after cone, I began to feel sleepy. I wanted to relax for a bit, so I pulled over into the emergency lane to watch some cars go by.

"I really enjoy just sitting on the side of the road." I thought. It was in this new wistful disposition that I thought it might be nice to be a dog…

Well let's just say that before all was said and done, we all had a great big laugh and dogs eat shit because grass makes them vomit. And it's not always fun when God gives you everything you want.

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More Commentaries:

1) Ask Bob
2) Lunatic Ravings
3) Chick Shit for Chic Chicks


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