Psycho Sermons Archive

Psycho-Sermons by Bel Garion or Saint Garion, as he likes to be called.

Like many religious icons, Bel loves his booze and dope; however, unlike other religious folks, he’s ok with abortion. That’s because he don’t like kids. But then again, who does?

All I can say is, if you don’t find his columns offensive, there’s something wrong with you…something seriously wrong.


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Select a year for the list of columns.

  • 04/16 - Saint Patrick’s Day (by Saint Garion)
    by Saint Garion For Saint Patrick’s Day we all went down to the local Irish pub, where the Lord and Buddha chased some kids around in a circle, playing their…
  • 04/16 - Catch Up e-mail (by Saint Garion)
    (Originally posted on 04/11/2007) I’ve decided to catch up on some e-mail.___________________________________ Dear Saint Garion, Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can…
  • 03/08 - My long awaited return (by Saint Garion)
    The Lord, unhappy that I have not posted to this blog in such a long time has taken to shitting on my bed. In response I’ve erected a wooden cross…
  • 03/06 - And Yet (by Saint Garion)
    The Lord, unhappy that I have not posted to this blog in such a long time has taken to shitting on my bed. In response I’ve erected a wooden cross…
  • 10/20 - Saint Garion Goes to the Bahamas (by Saint Garion)
    Married on Friday the 13th of October my bride and I ventured outside of the U.S. thinking, “Hey that Bahamas place might be a nice place to visit.” Well we…
  • 09/12 - The Bride v.s. Old F*ck Bastard Part 2 (by Saint Garion)
    by Saint Garion Bel As I mentioned in my last post, the Old Fuck Bastard came upstairs, knocked on my front door at about 11PM, and asked if my sister…
  • 08/24 - Old F*ck Bastard Strikes Again (by Saint Garion)
    By Saint Garion Bel Over the weekend my bride and I had her brother and my sister over for dinner. We ended up drinking quite a bit that night, and…
  • 07/10 - The Guerrilla Pissers (by Saint Garion)
    And Buddha said unto the Lord, “You must un-learn what you have learned.” The Lord was looking upon the Buddha, who pissing on the floor in front of the litter…
  • 06/25 - Pet the Lord (by Saint Garion)
    Our internet service has been down for three days now, and I’m starting to take it personal. I mean the Lord’s people fucking pay out the nose for this cable…
  • 06/01 - Summer Plans (by Saint Garion)
    And so it came to pass that Saint Garion got engaged. The lord was confused but God saw that it was good. No longer will she be called the enchanting…
  • 05/16 - Puppies! (by Saint Garion)
    Walking around in the mall is a favorite pastime for those, who like me, have nothing to do with their time. Sometimes I like to go out and people watch,…
  • 05/01 - Quality Time with the Fucking Family (by Saint Garion)
    Family parties can be difficult. Especially when you’re as fond as saying FUCK as I am… I was sitting too close to the pool where the kiddies were playing and…
  • 04/17 - Buddha Takes on the Internet (by Saint Garion)
    Dreaming doesn’t count when it’s about something stupid. The Buddha (a.k.a. little fuck bastard) dreams of chewing my CAT-5 cable. And then he fucking does it, severing me from the…
  • 04/11 - Uninspired (by Saint Garion)
    This week’s article is late and I’ll tell you why: I have been completely uninspired. But a few minutes ago… God the Father Spoke In The Head of Saint Garion:…
  • 04/03 - Small Talk (WWSGBD) (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Saint Garion, I am tormented daily by others in my office, co-“workers”, with small talk. All this endless chatter about the weather and the Florida Marlins is driving me…
  • 03/27 - All-You-Can-Eat-And-Drink (by Saint Garion)
    By Saint Garion   My enchanting paramour and I went to a Jazz and Blues Festival over at the local zoo on Friday night.  It was All-You-Can-Eat-And-Drink for 30 bucks…
  • 03/19 - Saint Patrick’s Day (by Saint Garion)
    By Saint Garion   For Saint Patrick’s Day we all went down to the local Irish pub, where the Lord and Buddha chased some kids around in a circle, playing…
  • 03/05 - The Buddha Takes A Shit (by Saint Garion)
    By Garion Bel   Walking the Lord and the Buddha yesterday, we ran into… well I’ll get to that.  Up until that moment the day had been uncharacteristically pleasant.  Breakfast…
  • 02/26 - Your Child Might Be an Idiot If He Golf’s With a Chainsaw (by Saint Garion)
    By Garion Bel   Outside of Saint Garion’s house the wind blows softly, trees sway this way and that, and a neighbor’s child takes an electric chainsaw out to the…
  • 02/21 - The Arrival of a New Puppy: The Buddha (by Saint Garion)
    Few things on this earth are more enjoyable than getting a new puppy dog. But the enjoyment that a new little puppy dog brings can be cut dramatically short when…
  • 02/12 - Ket Goes to Lunch (by Saint Garion)
    Ket Darby here,So I was hungry for some Mole sauce… it’s this really good chocolate hot sauce that they put on some Mexican Foods. There are only a couple of…
  • 02/08 - God Angry at America? (by Saint Garion)
    by Saint Garion’s friend Ket Darby So I have heard some people claim that the recient disasters in America were proof that God was mad at the US, and more…
  • 01/31 - Who Gets The Bronze? (by Saint Garion)
    Ket Darby’s commentary on God’s Silver Medal made a little too much sense, so I asked God about it. God: “Yes and No. Ket is obviously insane.” Saint Garion: “What?”…
  • 01/25 - God’s Silver Medal (by Saint Garion)
    by Saint Garion’s friend Ket Darby You even noticed that often times Christianity is kind of mean to Judaism? I think I know why. So I read the Bible once…
  • 01/18 - The Dark Lord… er… Holy Spirit (by Saint Garion)
    I went to Tampa last weekend to celebrate the marriage of two friends in an obscure and arcane ritual known only as a “catholic wedding”. The wedding, of course, took…
  • 01/10 - Utah Sucks Dick, The Lord Eats a Bone (by Saint Garion)
    The sad thing about the holidays is that when they are over, you have to recover. I have eaten sooo much goat cheese that I don’t think I’ll ever… So…
  • 01/04 - The Lord, The Goat, And The Christmas Tree (by Saint Garion)
    This was the first Christmas the Lord has really paid attention to what was going on, and well, he’d like to make some changes. And the Lord who is a…
  • 12/26 - Divinity Is In All Things (Especially Goat Cheese) (by Saint Garion)
    For those of you that don’t believe in the divine, you should get into your car right now, travel to your local grocer and purchase some goat cheese. As part…
  • 12/19 - War on Christmas? (by Saint Garion)
    God: “Hey Saint Garion, what the fuck is all this war on Christmas shit about? People down there are just going on and on about this Christmas thing…” Saint Garion:…
  • 12/13 - Saint Garion and the Groom (by Saint Garion)
    I’m late with this week’s article for a number of reasons… Here; I’ll explain. My girlfriend’s birthday, and my best friend’s bachelor party just happened to fall on the same…
  • 12/04 - Psalms of Katrina (by Saint Garion)
    By special guest writer Saint John (Translation by Saint Garion Bel) [The following is a Psalm of Saint John. Saint John is now homeless but was formerly of the middle…
  • 11/29 - Attack of the Jerome Clones: The Flaming Column of Piss (by Saint Garion)
    Continuity problems seldom come up when one deals in the weird, but when the angry guy decides he’s gonna turn on the religious guy… you get an illegal holy war…
  • 11/22 - Bird Flu Pandemic! (by Saint Garion)
    The other day when I was walking the Lord, we came upon a parking lot where a man was hopping from car to car, shitting whole apples. The man’s eyes…
  • 11/15 - A Heartwarming Story About A Guy They Call Jerome (by Saint Garion)
    After popping Jerome’s head off and killing the unknown evils lurking within the mind of the Old Bastard Fuck Neighbor’s cat. I called upon the Lord to go into the…
  • 11/04 - Tequila: a fine starter drink. (by Saint Garion)
    Ten years ago on this very day I had my very first drink. Tequila: a fine starter drink. I was told that drinking was of the devil, and so was…
  • 10/31 - Saint Garion Learns to Ride a Motorcycle (by Saint Garion)
    By Saint Garion Bel The rise of gas prices, the reliability of my old taxi cab, and the sincere lack of any sort of desire in our government to pursue…
  • 10/21 - Unforgiving Chili of Indeterminate Gas and Nauseous Nightmares (by Saint Garion)
    By Saint Garion Bel As I was wondering the coast of Florida last weekend I ran across a group of women drinking tequila… with sprees… and hidden cucumbers… I paused…
  • 10/16 - Saint Garion Goes To Saint Augustine (by Saint Garion)
    Vacation spots in Florida can be annoying because of the bugs, the pervasive heat, and angry locals, but this last trip to Saint Augustine was quite pleasant. We stayed in…
  • 10/08 - The Lord vs. The Flies (by Saint Garion)
    My enchanting paramour and I came home last night to find the Lord in combat with a swarm of flies. He was loosing (as much as a dog can loose…
  • 10/01 - Old F*ck Bastard Pig F*ckNieghbor (by Saint Garion)
    The other night my old fuck bastard neighbor was speaking ill of the Lord. He was going on and on about how much the Lord was out of control and…
  • 09/27 - Republican Lemmings (by Saint Garion)
    Forgive me, but it is time for a rant. Some asshole knocked on my door this morning at 7am (I suspect it was the neighbor), but by the time I…
  • 09/17 - Strip Club Bliss (by Saint Garion)
    by Garion Night 2 in Atlanta and we hadn’t been able to find out where any strip clubs were; needless to say I was feeling very distraught. Far, far away…
  • 09/10 - DRINKS FOR EVERYONE = HAPPY (by Saint Garion)
    By GarionWhile our government and our president was allowing people to suffer and die due to their incompetence, three of my lesbian apostles and I went to a kick ass…
  • 09/01 - Suffering of the Masses (by Saint Garion)
    by Garion, Looks as if everyone’s going to be riding bikes for the foreseeable future. Gas is fucking insanely priced around here. People are killing each other at the pumps;…
  • 08/27 - F*ck!F*ck!F*ck! (by Saint Garion)
    By Garion Weelll my fuck truck is on the fritz yet again. Maybe I should have changed the oil in the last year or so, but what the hell. I’ve…
  • 08/20 - Onward Christian Soldiers (by Saint Garion)
    By GarionIn protest of the new regime of terror that began when the woman next door called animal control on the Lord, I and several dozen other dog owners set…
  • 08/12 - He That Runs Without Leash (Soldier of God Part 2) (by Saint Garion)
    by Garion And the Lord said unto Garion, “Let Animal Control come, all they can do is kill me, I’ll just come back.” “Yes, but as what?” I asked. “A…
  • 08/06 - Soldier of God (by Saint Garion)
    By Garion Today my enchanting paramour found a notice on our door from Animal Control. It contained a threat to take the Lord away from us… Upon reading this, the…
  • 07/30 - Back Pain, a Knife, and the Word of God (by Saint Garion)
    By Garion, It occurred to me that it was time to write my blog so I have fastened myself into a brace and using my arms have hoisted myself into…
  • 07/23 - A Week (minus one day) Off (by Saint Garion)
    by Garion Bel, Until this afternoon I was having a pretty good week. God has kept the fuck out of my head. I went into work on Monday, and took…
  • 07/14 - An Angry God (by Saint Garion)
    By Garion Bel My peaceful rest was interrupted rudely on Thursday morning when the Lord, disturbed by the soft knock, knock, fuck knocking on the front door, started barking. It…
  • 07/09 - Butt Itch of the Day (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Garion, Work has gotten worse. My project ended on July 1 but the extended it to the 8th so that the management (and I use the term in the…
  • 07/01 - When You’re Strange (by Saint Garion)
    By Garion Bel Everyone is at least a little odd nowadays, take Bob and I for example, but recently my girlfriend has run into some folks at the coffee shop…
  • 06/24 - Take your church and shove it. (by Saint Garion)
    By Garion Bel Dear Garion, My wife and I are considering rejoining the church. We don’t really like the people there, and they treat us like they are better than…
  • 06/17 - Conversations with… God? (by Saint Garion)
    by Garion Bel Inspired for reasons unknown God has started speaking through me again, which is really freaking out the fuckers in the grocery store. Garion: “What?” God: “I’m fucking…
  • 06/10 - Bastard F*ck Demon of the Storms (by Saint Garion)
    This weekend was supposed to have been a fucking camping weekend. The plan was that we would go and, well, chill the fuck out. No work, just sun, fishing, drinking,…
  • 06/04 - Drinking with Jesus (by Saint Garion)
    Last night we were invited to a house warming party where I, using my super power, got everyone who doesn’t normally drink, or believes themselves incapable of drinking, completely trashed.…
  • 05/27 - Driving Mr. F*ckhead (by Saint Garion)
    By Garion Bel My girlfriend bought me this great cell phone accessory; an earpiece with a microphone. What-is-it-fucking-called? A Headset. I’ve had some great conversations in my truck lately. People,…
  • 05/10 - The Salsa – That Binds (by Saint Garion)
    I went out last night with some new friends and drank enough alcohol to kill a large tree. This is my account of what happened, as I now remember it.…
  • 05/07 - Cockroaches… (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Bel,This morning I discovered several cockroaches in the middle of the kitchen floor. They had toothpicks stuck though their bodies and were suspended off the floor. After looking at…
  • 05/01 - Porn Problems (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Bel, You and I have been friends for a few years now… My wife is mad at me for using the computer to look at dirty pictures again. The…
  • 04/16 - A Crime for Humanity (by Saint Garion)
    The other day when my wife and I were walking at the park, when we noticed some children were playing in one of those sports utility vehicles. They were obviously…
  • 04/09 - That Darn Computer! (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Bel, I have been living with “Eric” now for almost a year. When we first moved in together, it was great. We talked all the time and his friends…
  • 04/02 - Possessed! (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Bel: You recently scared the crap out of me. You told me to keep an eye on my husband because his behavior indicated that he might be possessed. But…
  • 03/26 - Mommy Issues (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Bel, I am 45 and recently my mother moved in with us. Life isn’t fair Bel, we spend all of our extra money to buy food and diapers for…
  • 03/12 - Exercise (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Bel, At my wife’s urging, I recently purchased an exercise bike for “us” to use at home. She wanted “us” to get in better shape, and thought that “we”…
  • 03/05 - Damn Computer! (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Bel, I have been living with “Eric” now for almost a year. When we first moved in together, it was great. We talked all the time and his friends…
  • 02/26 - The New Diet… (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Bel, Every since I started on this new diet strange thing have been happening. All the flowers in my garden have dropped their petals, my co-workers all seem to…
  • 02/19 - Roadside Cleanup… (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Bel,My company has “volunteered” some of us to do some roadside clean up. You wouldn’t believe the crap people throw from their cars. I’d like to put up a…
  • 02/12 - The Reoccurring Dream… (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Bel,I have a reoccurring dream where I am floating in the ocean. I appear to be in some kind of form-fitting steel cage. On the cage is a plate,…
  • 02/05 - I Really Do Care! (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Bel, Could you come to Tampa and help me move out of my apartment? My roommate and I are tired of dealing with our psycho neighbors. – Emory Well,…
  • 01/29 -  Is My Mail Order Bride Worth it? (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Bel, For years I had considered getting a mail-order bride. Recently I took a chance and married a very sweet Chinese woman. Now, we have been very happy but…
  • 01/22 - A Cold Medicine that Works! (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Bel,Recently I came down with a really bad cold. I felt like my brain was trying to crawl out of my nose. A friend of mine recommended Robitussin CF,…
  • 01/15 - Sumthin’ to do after Christmas (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Bel, I have been a little bored lately. Mostly because I have been low on cash from the holidays, so I thought I could start stalking people. I imagine…
  • 01/08 - After Christmas Advice (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Bel, My neighbor, Bruce, still hasn’t taken down his plastic xmas decorations. Quite frankly, I am sick of it. My wife is ready to kill the bastard. What should…
  • 12/26 - A Visit From Jeome! (by Saint Garion)
    Last week I received a visit from Jerome! In case you forgot, Jerome is Bob and Stephen’s favorite plaything. They enjoy feeding him poison and beating him until he is…
  • 12/18 - The Business Trip (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Bel, Recently I went out of town on a business trip. I returned five days later to find that someone had filled the bed with leaves and twigs. I…
  • 12/11 - A Dead Pigeon (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Bel, Yesterday my 7-year-old son came home with a dead pigeon on the end of a stick. Apparently, some psycho was selling them at his school. I called the school and…
  • 12/04 - Am I a Hippocrate? (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Bel, Am I a Hippocrate? -Larry Dear Larry, The degree of hypocrisy one possesses is equal to the absolute value of the difference between their beliefs and actions. Of…
  • 11/27 - Horrible Car Accident (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Bel:My brother lost his wife five years ago due to a horrible car accident. He would not consider dating until last September. The woman he is now seeing is…
  • 11/14 - Questions About Islam (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Readers, Recently I have received many questions about that “Islam” thing. Being the only religious scholar at here at theweirdcrap.com, I am happy to be of service. Seems to…
  • 11/06 - Eric (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Bel: Last year, I married “Eric,” a wonderful guy. I’m 24. He is 35. And we’re very much in love. Here’s the problem: Neither of us is financially stable…
  • 10/29 - The Course of the Nation (by Saint Garion)
    We Americans face questions about the course of the nation. We must be ready for inconvenience and death. The political will of millions of angry Americans will be felt, and…
  • 10/23 - Lesbian Lovers #44 (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Bel: While my husband and I were watching Lesbian Lovers #44 last night, I noticed my daughter was on the tape! I managed to press stop and before my…
  • 10/16 - Small Company (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Bel:I am an employee at a small company called SmartTec. We are being plagued by a series of accidents. It all started when my new friend Melissa fell off…
  • 10/09 - The New War (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Bel, As you know I am having some trouble deciding how America should fight this new war. Any suggestions? -Mr. Bush Dear Mr. Bush, Send aircraft to Afghanistan that…
  • 10/02 - Married for 6 Years (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Bel, My husband and I have been married for 6 years. When we married, we decided we didn’t want any children and I had my tubes tied. Now he…
  • 09/19 - Young and Foolish… (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Bel: Two years ago, when I was young and foolish, I went with some friends to a tattoo parlor and had some “artwork” done on my ankle, neck, and…
  • 09/11 - The Younger Man… (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Bel: For the past five months, I have been in a deepening friendship with a man who is 5 years younger than I am. (I am divorced, in my…
  • 09/04 - Twice Divorced… (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Bel: I am a 35-year-old, twice-divorced male with four wonderful kids. My track record with marriage hasn’t been terrific, so now I am very careful about finding the right…
  • 08/28 - My Husband and I… (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Bel: My husband and I have been married for eight years. We both work night shifts and sleep during the day. This works great for our marriage, but it…
  • 08/24 - The Christian Right (by Saint Garion)
    The phrases “Christian Right” and “Religious Right,” are often used as slurs, and rightly so. It’s easy to stereotype Christians as mean-spirited zealots. Most of them are. When scam artists…
  • 08/21 - My Friends… (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Bel: I am a 14-year-old freshman in high school. A lot of my friends are sophomores, and they are really nice kids. My parents have told me I am…
  • 08/14 - Three Couples For Dinner… (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Bel Garion: Recently, we invited three couples to dinner at 6:00 p.m. We worked hard cleaning the house and preparing a wonderful meal. My problem is this: one of…
  • 08/07 - I Moved In With My Girlfriend… (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Bel,Quite recently I moved in with my girlfriend. Everything has worked out great except my parents speak to me now as if I am going straight to hell. You…
  • 07/24 - A Mild Stroke (by Saint Garion)
    I had a mild stroke five years ago, mostly because I don’t take care of myself. I have diabetes, and refuse to exercise or eat properly. I am able to…
  • 07/17 - My New Friend! (by Saint Garion)
    My new anonymous friend writes:“This is the stupidest site on the web.” Thanks Buddy! Your feedback is very much appreciated. Here is a story just for you. The other day…
  • 07/10 - It Is Summer! (by Saint Garion)
    So it’s summer right now in my part of the world and I am having a pretty good time of it. More people have been keeping my company of late,…
  • 06/26 - The Lesbian Psychologist (by Saint Garion)
    One of my lesbian friends, Leslie, is a psychologist. Not believing in the healing power of faith, she thought I was some sort of mind control flim-flam artist trying to…
  • 06/19 - All I Want is Some Coffee… (by Saint Garion)
    My buddy Greg all the way from Alaska asks,“Why is the media treating President George W. Bush so harshly?”Well Greg, I see that this sort of thing is increasing as…
  • 06/12 - Are You Baptized? (by Saint Garion)
    My new friend Kelly writes:Why do you think you are a Saint?Are you baptized?Are you even Christian or are you just making fun of us?Dear Kelly, The term ‘saint’ comes…
  • 06/05 - Jerome Speaks in Tongues! (by Saint Garion)
    I was quite perplexed when Jerome called me up, “Lo Steven dice che lei guarda uono si è vestito elegantemente come una donna.” So I went over to his house,…
  • 05/29 - Why Do Dogs Eat Shit? (by Saint Garion)
    Dear Bob Bel,Why do dogs eat shit?JasonWell Jason, that reminds me of the time God turned me into a traffic cone. I was unhappy as a traffic cone and had the unwelcome…
  • 05/22 - The Bush Brothers (by Saint Garion)
    Melissa from the USA writes:Dear Bob, Bel,Why is President Bush giving his brother such a bad time with oil drilling off the coast of Florida? Well Melissa, the answer is obvious.…
  • 05/15 - Welcome Bel Garion! (by Saint Garion)
    Hello everyone, my name is Bel and I am a Saint. Plugging one of my ears usually makes the extra voice go away but recently the voice has just been…

NOTE: His columns started in 2001, we are slowly adding the older columns one by one.