Lunatic Ravings

The East Village Opera Company---"The East Village Opera Company"

MoTW---"High Tension"

Well, Halloween is just around the corner which means that soon we'll
find ourselves broke trying to find that perfect gift for those people
that celebrate one of those many holidays in December.

But I'm lucky this year since my birthday just happens to fall on
Thanksgiving which means, like it or not, everyone in the US will be
slaving over their stoves for little ole me. I'll be able to show up
anywhere and they'd have no choice to feed me but good on my special
day.

That's still a little ways away, so I'll make sure I come back to it in
the next few weeks. For now, I'll be concentrating on Halloween, that
special day where it's okay to sacrifice virgins and drink the blood of
sheep. This year it'll be an even more special Halloween since revenge
will also be accepted.

Okay, maybe revenge for me. While the rest of you search for that
elusive virgin and sheep (remember, sacrifice=virgin while drink
blood=sheep, not the other way around unless some of you in the
backwards part of the country still use virgin sheep=good and completely
forget about the sacrifice and blood)
I'll be waiting patiently at the door on the 31st for that little chubby
kid who scammed me out of $17.00.

And a good scam it was. About 6 weeks ago a couple kids came over with a
catalogue full of over-priced goodies claiming that it was a school fund
raiser for victims of Hurricane Katrina. Out of the goodness of our
hearts we ordered a couple items and paid the kids cash and off they
went after telling us that delivery would be in a couple weeks.

Well, those couple weeks have come and gone and I still haven't received
my peanut butter cups and whatever else the evil head of the household
ordered. These kids were the same ones that had no problems riding their
bikes though my freshly mowed backyard, yet after they took our "order"
and money, they haven't been seen or heard from.

Good thing I remember that one of the kids was chubby and good thing
that Halloween is coming up because there is no way they'll be able to
pass up the opportunity for free candy. However, they won't be getting
any candy from me when they show up. No siree.

What I'm going to do will seem, at first, to be very mean but after some
time it'll be looked back on as a very kind offering that helped out a
chubby child. What I have planned doesn't have to do with the old
razor-in-an-apple trick since that seems too old fashioned for me, but
something along the lines of dried out bean sprouts dipped in acid so
she'll be able to lose weight and hallucinate at the same time, or maybe
a soy burger on a stick along with a small bag of rice. Something
that'll say, "Hey, I know you're gonna get bigger so I'm only trying to
help."

Actually, that doesn't seem like revenge. It seems to be some
mean-spirited fun. Whatever it is, I have every right since she was one
of the kids who ripped me off and, as the immortal Billie Jean once
said, "Fair is fair!"

Finally, for those that haven't watched CBS since they cancelled
"American Gothic" after one season (kind of), start rejoicing since the
DVD of its one and only season is coming out this Tuesday, just in time
for my upcoming birthday and Halloween.

COMING NEXT: Are the crates too fragile?