Lunatic Ravings

Robert Plant---"Mighty Rearranger"

MoW---"Ghoulies IV"

Sheri (from parts unknown) must really like this site or something since she's actually sent email a few times, this time with an idea all her own of another runaway bride accessory:

"you forgot about the runaway bride burqa, made out of a burlap sack, empty of course (you could always substitute a Moo-Moo if you dont have a burlap sack large enough) and an I Dream of Jeannie veil/hat combination. You would never be recognized because you would blend right in........................."

To me that sounds like the musings of someone who's been on the wacky weed. Not that there's anything wrong with that since this website believes in the freedom of expression and thought no matter what illegal substances may be involved.

But it really is a good idea, especially if a veil is used so that nobody is sucked into the deepest recesses of hell hen looking into those lifeless black eyes. I have sat for many hours in a lifeless state after getting hypnotized by those eyes, so much so that I think the runaway bride owes me some compensation for missing out on what could have possibly been the finest moments of my life.

I don't know what kind of compensation I seek at this time, but I'll let you know when I do. I can kind of guarantee that it'll be a compensation that I so richly deserve. Maybe it'll be something I can share with all, but I'm going to have to think about myself first on this one.

Here's another email I received, this one from Jasmine in Sioux City, Iowa:

"What happened to Bob? It seems like he disappeared. Not that I miss him or anything, I was only wondering."

We all noticed that Bob was missing too! We did our due diligence and notified the proper authorities and they couldn't come up with any clues on his whereabouts.

A few days after the authorities told us not to worry since it was only Bob, I received a call from the police in some small podunk town in Nebraska. According to Bob, he went out looking for some ditch weed in Omaha one night and was abducted by a three-legged white man and a buck-toothed, 8' tall white woman with a lisp.

They threw him into the back of a PT Cruiser and forced him to eat uncooked ravioli and drink tepid Ginger Ale. This continued for 3-4 days until Bob decided enough was enough and he escaped from his captors when they stopped at a convenience store to use the bathroom.

But is this really what happened? Of course not! Bob finally cracked under intense questioning and admitted that he got lost while trying to find some ditch weed. He decided to make up the story because he didn't want people to think that he was too stupid to find his way home.

After I convinced the police that I didn't have any money to spare to send Bob home, they wrapped duct tape around his whole head leaving only a small gap for his eyes, took up a small collection at the office and bought him a small girl's bike complete with training wheels and tassels and sent him on his merry way.

When Bob finally showed decided to show up at the office, he was completely hairless except for a few patches here and there on his scalp. Since we have an image to uphold, we decided to suspend Bob indefinitely, or until his hair grows back evenly, which ever occurs first.

COMING NEXT: Crackwhore Village now without any crates?