Eric Gales---"That's What I Am"
MoTW---"Sleepaway Camp 3: Teenage Wasteland"
Let's look at what happened last week:
Four men found a large amount of old money while digging a hole. The news jumped all over this one as they did with the finger in the chili) and the men got their 15 minutes of fame.
Well, it looks like they pulled a fast one since they had stole the money from a house they were working on. Don't know what they were thinking, but did they really feel that the homeowner wouldn't eventually notice that the money was gone?
A good time they had getting interviewed by who knows how many new outlets, but we need a feel-good story every now and then so who cares about the shape the money was in even though it had supposedly been buried for who knows how long.
Since they four wasted my time with their lie, I say they should all be fried in a electric chair. I'm sure the one who was laughing while sitting in the back of the police car would appreciate that. They got their 15 minutes of fame and I don't think we should stop there. We should give them a few more minutes so we can watch their bodies jump and burn as megavolts of electricity course through their brainless shells.
But that's not it.
There's the bride who got "cold feet" and decided to disappear for a few days.
The news grabbed ahold of this one too. They flashed her picture every few minutes and asked for anyone who had any information to call the authorities so the poor woman could be found.
Now, I'm not saying that people that ride Greyhound busses are stupid, but nobody recognized this woman? Sure, she cut her hair but find a picture of her and LOOK AT HER EYES.
This isn't a woman, folks! This is a disciple of Satan. Anyone with eyes that wide, lifeless and black is nothing but a friend of the fellow downstairs.
Of course nobody on the bus recognized her. Of course nobody in Las Vegas recognized her (unless she happened to stumble across Crackwhore Village). That's because she hypnotized those that looked at her too long with her large, dead eyes.
She also lied, which is a sin. So, we got the large, black, dead eyes and a breaker of at least one of those commandments. That's evil in my book and we need to rid the world of this evil or, at least, contain it.
I advise a speedy exorcism. If this doesn't work, burn her at the stake. If that doesn't work then put her in a cage somewhere and have people pay $2.00 to gaze upon the Bride of Satan. It doesn't matter that she isn't "Bride of Satan" sounds more interesting than, say, "The Bride WIth Cold Feet and Really Large and Freaky Dead Eyes".
I think her fiance knows what she is since he wouldn't agree to another lie detector test unless it was videotaped. He's probably just a minor minion of the horned one and wanted cameras present so he could spontaneously shoot fire from his butt when the questioning got too tough, or too close to the real origin of the bride-to-be.
Maybe he's just a normal guy, but just to be safe he will need to be locked in a cage filled with garlic and a few thousand shredded copies of Left Behind series so we can be assured that he's not the Devil's lackey and/or a vampire.
COMING NEXT: Special on the crates!