Alan Parsons---"A Valid Path"
MoTW---"The Emerald Forest"
Things are back to normal now that Crackwhore Village is in a couple of capable hands. Because of this, I can get back to what I do best, which is copious amounts of drinking and abnormal amounts of sleep.
I did take a little bit of time off from drinking and sleeping to find out why there are so many dead animals here in Michigan. What it boils down to is Michigan has lots of animals contributing to the high amount of roadkill.
That seems like a good enough explanation to me but I needed to know what kinds of animals roamed around this state. Basically it's almost every animal under the sun, except for a chosen few. There's even bears here, I was told, but I was very skeptical about that one.
That is until I was proved wrong.
One night last week I decided to go outside and have a smoke. One of the cats really, really wanted to go outside too so I let him with the understanding that he could not leave the porch under any circumstances. He agreed to the terms and we journeyed out to the back porch.
As soon as the cat left the safety of the inner house, he was immediately on alert. I thought he might have seen a squirrel or racoon, so I thought nothing of it. I sat down in a chair and leaned back and noticed why the cat was on high alert.
Standing on the roof was the biggest bear I have ever seen in my life. How it got up there or why really doesn't matter. What matters is that it was HUGE. I've seen bears and I've battled bears in the wilderness, and if you were to put all of those bears together to come up with one bear, it still would be smaller than the bear on the roof.
Sensing a tasty snack was for the taking, the bear jumped onto the porch and grabbed the cat. The cat struggled for a moment or so and then stopped and said "Mrrffff".
I jumped out of the chair and started whacking the bear with my only weapon, a Bic lighter. This only angered the bear and he began squeezing the cat which caused the cat to say "Mrrffaataaaack".
Desperate, I picked up the half full ash tray and threw it into the bear's face. It didn't appreciate that either and it squeezed the cat some more until the cat's eyes popped out, while it said "Mrrfttutueh?"
Good thing I own one of those cats with regenerating eyes. If not, I would have an eyeless cat which would kind of suck especially during a staring contest but I'm a lucky guy and his new eyes were in place within seconds.
Regeneration seems to piss off cats a bit, and my buddy decided to take things into his own hands. Somehow he managed to squirm out of the bear's grasp, jump onto it's left shoulder and then shove it's head into the bear's mouth.
The bear danced around for awhile with the cat hanging out of it's mouth and then the cat withdrew it's head with a rainbow clutched between it's teeth. On the rainbow were little fairies throwing pixie dust into the air which was being eaten by the little sparrows who were being ridden by tiny cosmonauts.
This must have been the bear's power because it slowly fell to the ground and then became a puddle of white chocolate which was soon consumed by a nearby colony of rollerskating ants.
With the cigarette now done, I picked up the cat and went inside leaving the rainbow outside since it was way too bright. I immediately went to bed, curled up into the fetal position and made a promise never to mix beer and salted Jell-O ever again.
COMING NEXT: Want a crate?
# posted by Bob Senitram @ Sunday, April 10, 2005
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