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Jack Blades---"Jack Blades"
From Eugene S.:
"You want someone to take over the crakwhore village for you? I can stick my elbow in my eye while wrapping
my left leg around my neck and singing the second verse to Hocus Pocus by Focus. That's better than that stuff
they do in those commercials for that M&M candy bar."
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"...some focus group consisting of mentally challenged, retarded, gimpy,
braindead, spastic, peabrained, morons who..." |
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That's pretty astounding stuff! However, you took yourself out of the running because you misspelled "crackwhore"
and I don't feel comfortable handing over such a prestigious position to someone who can't spell the name of the
village correctly.
Sure, there's been spelling errors in this column, yet I have NEVER misspelled "crackwhore" because I
take pride in my work with the village. Maybe after you're been through some sort of remedial training I might
reconsider my position, but for now you're out of luck Eugene.
Some of you might have missed last week's column since it was only posted for a day or so. Blame this on the webmaster
who's in cahoots with Bob, so much so that I sometimes wonder if they're one in the same.
Here's what happened last week, very much condensed:
A Junior High student wanted to run crackwhore village but was turned down, I did wish one of my German teachers
offered me sex but I was turned down, a loon felt that she wouldn't make a good mom and was turned down for the
mother of the year award and Bob is stupid.
If you want more details, visit the archives. Or don't if you're lazy.
Why would M&M put out a candy bar? Wasn't the uniqueness of M&M the fact that it wasn't a candy bar but
little bite size morsels that wouldn't melt in your hands? Was there some focus group consisting of mentally challenged
mentally challenged retarded gimpy braindead spastic peabrained morons who thought that a M&M candy bar was
what the public needed?
These are the same type of people who order a cheeseburger without the cheese due to their lactose intolerance
and complete lack of working brain cells. They're probably grouped together in some dank basement plotting their
next product for the people, like colorless and flavorless Jell-O.
As of this moment they're probably developing clear envelopes so you'll never have to open your mail again so the
fear of receiving that papercut that never stops bleeding will be a thing of the past.
Permanent nail polish is a huge priority too since there's nothing better than unearthing a 10 year old corpse
with perfectly colored Passion Pink fingernails that complements the Goth Black toenails.
All that's just fine and dandy. I will never eat a M&M candy bar out of principle. I will also never eat crispy
M&M's again since they gave me incredible gas, but that's neither here, there or anywhere.
COMING
NEXT: Those milk crates?
Email Stephen!
snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com |
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