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Twisted Sister---"Still Hungry"
As a reminder to my peeps out there in cyberspace, my birthday is 11/24 so you have a few days to decide what I
want. Remember that it's a big bday on my part since I am turning the big something-0. Feel pity if you must, but
try to get me something that I can use.
Yet, with a day of celebration coming up, I still can't help but feel that there's a colony of ants in my colon
playing bongos (Whatever that means. I'm just trying to get a usable quote for the editor to use.) all because
Jerome still has not returned home even though he was ordered to do so.
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"While waiting I watched a Very Special Episode of "Baywatch" which
gave me crabs..." |
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I don't know when Jerome got the idea that he could think for himself, but I have a feeling it was when Bob forced
him to go to the Middle East where he ended up becoming more of a junkie then he was when he was 7 years old.
Scared that I had lost my grip on Jerome and reality, I decided to give Bob a call and see if I could get some
advice on bringing Jerome home while losing Vicky.
Me: Is Bob available?
Bob's wife:
He's on the toilet. And he's drunk.
Me: Okay. I'll
call back later.
I decided to give him an hour. This would give him plenty of time to poop and sober up a bit. While waiting I watched
a Very Special Episode of "Baywatch" which gave me crabs for some reason.
Me: Is Bob there?
Some Stranger:
Who's calling?
Me: .............
This freaked me out since Bob has no friends. Well, maybe a couple, but he forgets who they are. I figured it was
the feds that had answered the phone which made me paranoid since I had just picked up "Catcher in the Rye"
from Borders even though I damn well knew that purchasing that book would immediately put me on the government's
"Watch Out For This Person" list.
Of course I called back.
Me: Is Bob there?
BoBob: This
is Bob.....I think.
Me: How are
you doing and how can I get Jerome back?
Bob: Just ask
him to come back. I'm fine cause I just pooped.
Me: Already
tried that. It's not working.
Bob: Then we
need to kill him.
Me: (gasp)
Bob: Yep, kill
him and kill him good.
Me: NO! That
would be very wrong. Shame on you for even mentioning something as sickening as that.
Bob: You got
a better idea? Well, do you? Huh? Do you?
Me: I just think
that killing Jerome is wrong. He's worthl........I mean harmless.
Bob: Well..........
Me: How about
we kidnap him?
Bob: That sounds
fun! When do you want to go?
SORRY FOR THE INTERRUPTION BUT THERE IS NO WAY YOU TWO ARE GOING TO COME AND TAKE ME BACK WHEN I DON'T WANNA GO
BACK!
Me: What the
fuck was that?
Bob: What was
what?
Me: I was transcribing
our conversation for my 11/22 column and someone interrupted it.
NO WAY NO WHITEY AND MEXICAN IS COMING TO TAKE ME
BACK. NO WAY MOTHERFUCKERS!
Me: He just
interrupted again. He called you a bad name.
Bob: What did
he call me?
Me: Umm.....he
called you a dickless tan midget.
Bob: Why I oughta!
SEE IF YOU CAN!
Me: I think
you pissed him off again.
Bob: Well, you
just tell that ungrateful bastard that I'll be seeing him soon. He's coming home to daddy!
OH-OH. IS BOB MAD AT ME? TELL HIM I'M SORRY! PLEASE?
Me: Cool! He
just called you out!
Bob: That's
it! I'm on the next flight out of here!!
And that's how you don't get mixed up in kidnapping and murder. Notice how I weaseled my way out of going on a
trip with Bob. Pretty brilliant if you ask me.
Bob: I'm still
here you know! And you ARE going to...
COMING NEXT:
The painted metal
Email Stephen!
snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com |
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