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Symphony X---"The Odyssey"
For those that may have noticed, there wasn't a new column posted last week. The reason is quite simple. Shocking,
but simple.
Some might think that I was caught up in all that election hoopla, but I wasn't concerned because a Bush win was
guaranteed. Why?
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"...all because of a simple high school prank I pulled consisting of a condom
with many, many pinholes and a jar of vaseline..." |
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BECAUSE BOB DID NOT WANT HIM TO WIN.
Four years ago Bob didn't want Bush to win. And what happened? Bush won! Why?
BECAUSE BOB DID NOT WANT HIM TO WIN.
You need a guaranteed winner, just pick the opposite of what Bob picks. Take this year's World Series. I asked
Bob who would win because he knows shit about sports and I figured he would amuse me with his pick.
"Oh, go ahead and pick the team with the best drop-kicker I suppose. Hey, look at that pretty bird!"
And with that I knew that years of frustration would finally end and the Red Sox would finally win.
I just hope that Bob backs Hillary in '08. If he does, than we have no worries.
Anyhoo, the real reason there wasn't a new column last week was all because of Jerome and his complete and utter
failure to carry out his assigned mission.
But that's not all.
It seems that the woman's name isn't really Sharon. Her name is really Vicky and she's trying to get back at me
all because of a simple high school prank I pulled consisting of a condom with many, many pinholes and a jar of
vaseline.
For these past few years she has been searching for me in order to wreak some silly vengeance on good ole me. All
this because she was mysteriously impregnated by a drunken geek and 9 months later gave birth to bouncing quintuplets.
It wouldn't have been too much of an issue if the geek wasn't so fucking geeky, but shit happens after the prom
that a lot of people can't look back at with too much fondness.
I guess it didn't help that the geek went to one of those Ivy League schools only to die within the first semester
due to licking the back of a frog dripping with formaldehyde, plus being run over by a golf cart being driven by
campus security after falling out of the third floor window of his dorm room because he was hopped up on glue and
brussel sprouts.
So all this left VIcky as a single parent and all the blame lies on me. Why? The geek was madly in love with her
and wanted to get some a-c-t-i-o-n and I only mentioned AS A JOKE that the best way to get her to respect him just
a little bit was to stick a needle into the wrapped condom a couple hundred times and then use it on her and she
would respect him for using protection but he was really trying to make her into a mommy so that she would have
to fall in love with him and they would live happily ever after with their one child.
Of course the plan backfired and now she's out to get me by marrying Jerome. That's okay because I have a pocket
full of quarters and there's a bar right down the street that has a condom machine in the men's room. I also have
a wicked array of needles that eventually have to be put to good use.
Now the game has sped up and it's time for me to strike back.
I still don't know what the vaseline was used for, in case anyone was wondering.
COMING NEXT: Pinwheels
in the cane.
Email Stephen!
snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com |
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