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Warrior---"The Wars of Gods and Men"
Before I get to Jerome and his mission, I have received some breaking news regarding the finest cult in the world,
my good friends-----THE MORMONS!
(insert applause here)
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"...I shall bow down to them and drink their Kool-Aide, no matter what flavor
it might be.." |
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Okay, it seems there's a nuclear reactor somewhere in Missouri that will be destroyed during World War 3. After
the reactor is destroyed, all Mormons throughout the world will gather at the site since it would be pretty stupid
to gather at the site before it's destroyed or even while it's being destroyed because that would be, well, stupid
even for my fine Joey Smith followers.
(insert "ahhhh" here)
Furthermore, according to a Mormon elder, Jesus will come down in a ship and beam up the souls of those Mormons
who are righteous. It doesn't matter if you're wearing a tin foil suit or a white shirt and black pants. You just
have to have a good soul in order to be beamed up to the ship.
(insert "oooooooh" here)
Let's look at that again: THE MORMONS BELIEVE THAT JESUS WILL COME DOWN IN A SHIP AND BEAM UP THE SOULS OF THE
GOOD MORMONS. This is the missing piece of my life that I have been searching for and as Joey Smith is my witness,
I will be the first in line when the Mormon Temple currently under construction down the street opens its doors
for business. I shall bow down to them and drink their Kool-Aide, no matter what flavor it might be.
(insert "whaa....?" here)
Until that happens, I will have to content myself by fucking with Jerome, for he is the puppet and I am the puppetmaster.
Most of the conversations I had with him last week were pretty boring due to his continuous whining about the cold
and black toes, so I have picked the best conversations we had for your reading pleasure.
MONDAY
Jerome: Sleeping is a dumpster isn't fun.
Stephen: Whatever.
TUESDAY
S: Have you located Sharon yet?
J: No, but I am hungry. Can you send me some money? Three dollars
doesn't last long.
S: NO! You need to learn how to manage you finances a little bit better.
WEDNESDAY
J: I found Sharon!
S: That's just great. Have you taken care of her yet?
J: She's nice. I like her.
S: HAVE YOU TAKEN CARE OF HER YET??!!
J: No, but she's been really nice to me.
S: Shit! Shit! SHIT!!!!
THURSDAY
J: Are you mad at me?
S: No.
J: I like her and she likes me. We're going to make babies.
S: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THAT WAS NOT IN THE MISSION GUIDELINE! BESIDES, YOU CAN'T MAKE BABIES BECAUSE
YOU'RE AN IDIOT AND WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!
J: She's going to teach me. I like her more than I like Bob.
S: FUCK!
FRIDAY
J: We went to the opera, and then we went back to her room and......
S: Don't you say it!
J: ....we practiced making babies.
S: WE'RE DOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!
SATURDAY
J: I am going to be a daddy!
S: And I'm going to kill myself.
J: We're going to name the baby Stephen even if it's a girl.
S: Oh, that's sweet! Thank y........WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT THE FUCK AM I
SAYING?
SUNDAY
J: We're flying back to the states and are gonna get married.
S: That's just great. I am really so very happy for you both.
J: Thanks! That means a lot to me.
S: I was lying.
J: We want you to be the best man. Bob can be the flower girl.
S: Oh, that's sweet! Thank y.......WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO
ME??
COMING NEXT:
The grade is standard
Email Stephen!
snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com |
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