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Tears for Fears---"Everybody Loves a Happy Ending"
Instead of going to Greenland last week, I decided there were more important things for me to do around the house
so I sent someone in my place.
I first felt that Bob would be the perfect person to end but after reading his political views I decided that it
was wiser to keep him in the sanitarium for his safety and ours. Besides, since he is from the deep, deep south
I felt that he would pussy out as soon as he landed in Greenland due to the extreme cold and lack of marijuana.
My next option was Jerome who had just come back from some sort of mission in Iraq. Even though he was only back
for one day, he was really starting to get on my nerves so I ordered Jerome to withdraw his life savings from the
bank and to get ready for the journey a lifetime.
(I don't know if it actually would be a journey of a lifetime, but had to use some sort of grandiose phrase so
Jerome could feel like he was doing something important.)
I instructed Jerome to pack light and to make sure he brought a lot of beach clothes since it just happens to be
summer in Greenland. I also made sure he had a phone so he could keep me updated on his progress daily. This proved
to be quite the chore since Jerome doesn't have much phone experience because of his upbringing and his complete
lack of number knowledge.
Next thing I had to do was explain the actual mission. This also proved a little difficult since Jerome has the
I.Q. of a spinach leaf but he finally seemed to grasp the concept of "Sharon must be eradicated or made to
feel really, really humbled". How he was going to do this was really up to him, so failure was really the
only option at this point.
Since it was really short notice, the only available flight to Greenland was scheduled to depart at 0345 with a
15 hour layover in Los Angeles. The next leg of the trip would take him to Denver with another layover of 17 hours
and then he was off to Toronto. Jerome would be in Toronto for 8 hours and then he would fly to Atlanta where he
would take a train to Miami and then another flight to New York. He would stay overnight in New York and then have
a 5 hour layover before he boarded the single engine airplane for the flight to Greenland. With discounts the total
price of the ticket was $10.52 which left Jerome with $3.78.
When Jerome finally landed in Greenland he called me with an update:
JEROME: It's really cold here Stephen.
ME: Yeah, it probably is but just remember that it's summertime. That should warm you up.
J: Okay, if you think so. Where am I going to sleep? Do I have a hotel room or something?
M: Well, I sure as shit didn't reserve a hotel room for you. Did you?
J: Well, no because I didn't have enough time.
M: You've gotta take responsibility for your lack of planning. It's pretty piss poor if you ask me.
J: Okay. I'm sorry.
M: As you should be. Now, go and find what hotel Sharon is staying at and maybe you can sleep in the dumpster.
You've done it before so it should be no problem.
J: Okay. Stephen, what does frostbite look like?
M: You can't get frostbite in the summertime! Go find the hotel and don't call me back until you find Sharon or
the pot of gold. Got that?
J: Yeah. Sorry to bother you. Jerome out.
That was the last time I heard from Jerome.
Until he called back a day later.
Which we'll discuss at a later time.
COMING NEXT:
One is just.
Email Stephen!
snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com |
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