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Scorpions---"Unbreakable"
This is what a couple of you have been waiting for--------Part 3 of my descent into pseudo-hell!!!!
I figured that the urine soaked monkeys would eventually regroup and come after me so dead monkey and I ran, ran,
rested, ran, rested, ran,broke for a quick smoke break and finally rested when it seemed we hadleft the ninja monkeys
far enough behind.
As I lay on the ground staring dreamily at the sky, I heard some sort of chanting coming from somewhere in the
jungle which kind of made sense since I was in the jungle and there would really be no other place that the chanting
could come from unless I had stumbled across some long lost tribe which really wouldn't make a difference since
they would still be located in the jungle.
Anyway, I lay staring dreamily and heard chanting and decided to investigate since I was in the mood for a good
burger or even a good egg salad sandwich.
As I crept slowly through the jungle, I noticed that the monkey on my back was starting to smell a little bit funky.
Luckily I had a full bottle of scented Rave hairspray and soon my monkey friend was smelling like my head if my
head was dead and slowly rotting and covered in scented Rave hairspray.
That small mission completed, I continued creeping and soon came upon a small village. A group of primitive looking
folks were gathered around a huge gas grill chanting something in a foreign dialect which I couldn't understand
since it was a language not offered in my high school.
Near the grill were four ladies tied to posts. They were all very nubile and quite scantily clad. I mean really
nubile and really scantily clad. So nubile and scantily clad that I swear I could feel the dead monkey become aroused.
Since I am so heroic, I decided that I would free these women and become their lord and master. They would build
a jungle village for me to rule and feed me grapes and cashews at allotted times during the day and at night they
would become Vegas showgirls and treat me like a dirty bitch.
I took the monkey and arranged it in such a way that it looked like it was attached to my chest which I thought
would be quite frightening to the natives. I then ran towards them screaming obscenities in every language I know
(one) but I guess that a dead monkey attached to a man's chest isn't scary enough since they stood their ground.
When I reached them they all jumped on me as someone shouted, "Pile on the fool with the dead monkey attached
to his chest!" and I soon found myself pinned to the ground by about 30 natives.
When they were done with their silly, childish game I was lifted to my feet and led to the nubile and scantily
clad woman and tied to the last remaining post which was located between the women so I became the slice of meat
in the Stephen sandwich with double slices of nubile and scantily clad bread.
Deciding to make the best of my situation, I turned to the vixen next to me and was going to start an enlightening
conversation but I was interrupted by another group of natives who were brandishing chainsaws.
They approached the nubile and scantily clad woman to my far right and tore her clothes off. After they were done
I saw that it really wasn't a woman but a man so when they started slicing him up with the chainsaw I didn't feel
too bad.
When this chore was completed the sliced body parts were carried over to the grill and the cookout began. As the
paper plates, plastic utensils and ice cold cans of Shasta were placed on the picnic tables surrounding the grill,
I started salivating as the smell of the grilled meat drifted my way.
When the cooking was done, the natives lined up in an orderly fashion and were each given a juicy burger and some
potato salad by someone I presumed was the head chef.
After they were done with lunch, the natives put their used plates, utensils and empty soda cans in their respective
recycle bins and disappeared into the huts for what I assumed was their afternoon nap.
A native woman saw me drooling and walked over to me while pointing towards the grill. I assumed she was asking
if I would like a bite eat so I nodded my head. The cannibal woman knelt in front of me and freed my feet from
the ropes as I drooled on top of her head and then she untied my hands.
As few minutes later I was enjoying a juicy burger with a cold can of Cherry Shasta. When I was done, I almost
asked for seconds but didn't want to push my luck so I dropped my plate and empty can in their designated recycle
bins and then took my plastic spoon and jammed it repeatedly into the cannibal woman's face until she was dead.
I then checked to make sure that the nubile and scantily clad women were really nubile and scantily clad women
and, finding that they were, untied them and we all ran into the jungle.
End of part 3
Here's a preview of next week's action-packed part 4:
"More tongue, less teeth!"
COMING NEXT:
Dew on the signature
Email Stephen!
snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com |
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