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Within Temptation---"Mother Earth"
And now, with no more delays, PART 2 of my incredible journey of self-discovery.
We wandered through the jungle for hours without finding any signs of my friend's friends. I started to get a bit
worried since my food supply was running very low and I had only a few drops of water left in my canteen, but I
knew I had to complete my mission no matter what the consequences might be.
On the second day of our journey, I ate the last of my Little Debbie snack cakes and drank the last drop of water.
This brought a great sense of sadness upon me and I fell to the jungle floor sobbing.
Luckily, I landed on a giant cockroach. I now cried with relief as I scooped out some cockroach meat from the
crushed bug and gave it a little taste test. Maybe there's a difference between North American roach meat and
Central American roach meat, but I really don't know since this meat tasted like a cross between ear wax and Spam.
In disgust I vomited up the Little Debbie snack cake and teensy morsel of roach meat. As the tears began to well
up yet again, I saw a few mushrooms underneath a giant palm tree. I tried to remember my Cub Scout days and the
part in the handbook about mushrooms but couldn't remember the difference between a good mushroom vs. a bad mushroom.
This I will blame on my scout master who obviously didn't care enough to teach me about worse case scenario shit,
since she was more concerned with having me thrown out of the scouts because I "accidentally" broke one
of her glass figurines while running through her house.
Hunger took over and I ate four of the mushrooms. I was also lucky enough to find a small stream nearby and after
drinking as much as I possibly could, I decided to take a short nap.
As I slept, I dreamt of rainbows and talking unicorns. The unicorns were upset because they really weren't unicorns
but horses with cardboard paper towel tubes glued to their heads and they felt they weren't being given the proper
respect so they were going to find the end of the rainbow and pee all over the pot of gold.
I was awakened soon after they did find and piss on the pot of gold, and found that not only were my hands and
crotch very sticky, but I was in some sort of ape village. A very large ape, who I presumed to be the leader, was
standing over me holding my dead monkey. He carefully checked over the dead monkey paying special attention to
the wonderful work I did on the head.
After his investigation was over, the large ape threw the dead monkey to the ground and squatted down in front
of me.
"Are you an assassin?" he signed to me.
I was at first surprised at the ape's intelligence but quickly regained my calm and signed back, "I am a
civilian looking for inner peace."
He thought about that for a while and then signed, "You're neither. You're just an errand boy sent by grocery
clerks to collect an unpaid bill."
"What the fuck are you signing about?" I signed back.
He didn't respond to me but raised his arms and out of the surrounding jungle came hundreds of monkeys wearing
ninja clothing and multi-colored headbands. When the ape lowered his arms all the monkeys struck karate poses and
I figured I might be in a little bit of trouble but at least my wits were keen and sharp.
I never knew there were monkey tribes that were very proficient in kung-fu, so I whipped out my dick and started
to pee on the monkeys closest to me. This caused them to become very enraged and they started fighting amongst
themselves in order to escape the steady stream of pee.
I saved an extra dose of pee for the ape and he too became enraged and started kicking the shit out of the monkeys
near him and it soon turned into a giant karate melee. As soon as the Chinese throwing stars began flying through
the air I decided that this area was no longer safe so I scooped up my dead monkey friend and we headed back into
the jungle.
END OF PART 2
Of course you all want a sneak peak at Part 3, so here it is:
"The cannibal woman knelt in front of me and freed my"
COMING NEXT: The
slaying of the stem
Email Stephen!
snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com |
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