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Prince---"Musicology"
Some of you might be wondering where I've been the last few weeks and why nothing new from yours truly has not
been posted for a couple of weeks.
I can write something that's a complete lie or I can tell the truth. I have chosen the latter since I don't think
it would be fair to our readers to write something that is complete bullshit because most of you will see right
through the lies and think that I'm desperately reaching ou for help.
See, what happened was that I was going through a crisis and decided I needed to get away from civilization for
a while in order to find myself and to become one with nature once again. In order to do this, I decided I would
travel to Central America and hang out in the rain forests for a few weeks with the hopeful chance of assimilating
myself into a group of monkeys and becoming part of their monkey tribe by gaining their trust and respect.
By doing this, I would be able to distance myself from everything modern and wouldn't have tv, music, internet
access, etc. that would only serve as a distraction to my true mission. I was comfortable with this and figured
that this would not only help me find myself, but also would make me a better man.
I decided Panama was the place to go and the first thing I did was visit the Panama Canal. I did allow myself this
visit since the canal is located near a rain forest and it's pretty cool to boot.
I did make a slight error while at the canal by drinking a lot of beer since it was offered at one of the fine
canal dining establishments plus I don't have one iota of self control. By "a lot" I mean enough to make
the term "ugly drunken American fool" the ultimate truth.
After being escorted from the canal I took a taxi to the deepest part of the rain forest and began my quest. Surviving
only on sesame sticks and Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch, I wandered the rain forest for minutes hoping to hook up
with a friendly monkey tribe.
After a few hours I became quite discouraged. All of my studying about monkey tracking had yielded absolutely nothing
so I decided that I would head back to where my journey began and try to flag down a taxi to take me back to my
hotel.
I must have taken a different route back because I did finally discover a monkey. Even though it was dead, it was
still a monkey which made me quite happy. By my expertise I could tell that it had been dead for less than a day
and the cause of death was by severe trauma to the head by a car tire, probably a Michelin that was attached to
an early 90's Nissan.
I scooped up the lifeless monkey while taking extra care to make sure that no more brains leaked from it's crushed
cranium. I found some leaves and chewed them until they became a paste-like substance and then I did my own version
of "Nip/Tuck" on the monkey's head.
When I was done it looked a little lopsided but almost as good as new. I figured I would need to tell it's monkey
friends about what happened, so I tied the monkey to my back and went back to my adventuring and self-discovery.
END OF PART 1
And now, a sneak peek of Part 2:
"I never knew there were monkey tribes that were very proficient in kung-fu, so I whipped out my"
COMING NEXT:
The polar ear.
Email Stephen!
snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com |
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