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Pain of Salvation---"The Perfect Element 1"
Since Bob did it, I can too.
I have a confession to make.
It's a big one. Bigger than Bob's and much more interesting.
I'm not actually from this earth. In reality, I come from a place really far away and have been living on this
planet for 23 years in order to do some research for the higher beings on my home planet.
In your earth years I am 17 years old, but am 10177 years old in the grand scheme of things. I find that I like
the things that 17 year old earthlings like. Most of my time is spent either masturbating to pictures of the latest
pop diva, listening to nu-metal and trying to find naked pictures of famous females on the internet.
Technically I should be in school because of my earth age, but I find that I don't really care about math or history
but I do find the English language quite fascinating and have discovered that I can learn the language quite well
from reading porn and Dr. Suess books.
I should have a job in order to make money to purchase earth goods, but a job would take away valuable time I need
to experience all the good stuff, namely the abovementioned porn. Actually, I really don't need money because I
don't have to eat anything for 30 earth years, so I still have 7 years to somehow make a few dollars.
If I can't make any money in this timeframe, then I'll just find some supple human and make them into a meal. Before
you get disgusted and think I come from a sick race, I must make it clear that it doesn't have to be a living human.
Dried out, dead human is a delicacy for some non-earth dwelling species which just happens to be what I am.
I do not need to have sex to reproduce. I just need to masturbate outside and let the wind take my seed to all
corners of your world and find some destitute females to pollinate. Most of those women you hear about on the news
that dump their babies in dumpsters are doing so because that's what they've been instructed to do by the my spawn
that's busy hatching in their stomach. This way the baby can masturbate and spread their seed around the world
so my race can soon take over.
However some of you good samaritans come by and fuck up my plans and find "good homes" for my children.
Soon my children are taught that masturbating is evil and they become mostly human and then I have to go back outside
and send some more of my seed flying around the world.
I can proudly say that I have impregnated many humans and animals with my sperm and I will continue to do so until
I feel there is enough of my race on this planet. Then and only then would I be able to go back home with a raw
sex organ and my hearts filled with happiness because my mission would be completed.
COMING NEXT: Tabloids
are hammered
Email Stephen!
snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com |
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