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Edguy---"Theater of Salvation"
"Wow."
That's what I said to myself after I read Bob's column from a couple of weeks ago.
Of course almost everything he wrote was a lie, yet I'm made out to be the bad guy in the whole sordid Alamo mess.
One thing everyone needs to know is that the longer you talk to Bob, the drunker he gets and it doesn't make a
difference where you talk to him or when you talk to him.
If you never have the displeasure of speaking to him, then you will get the same effect by reading one of his columns.
Notice that he's fairly sane at the beginning but slowly starts to lose it until he's completely blotto at the
end.
After he stated that the movie would be a flop because the Mexicans won, he went on a tangent about how Little
Debbie snack cakes would cure the Ebola virus that is (supposedly) spreading rapidly in Ottumwa, IA as long as
the snack cakes were mixed with 2 tsps of bacon fat and a cup of dried rabbit droppings.
I figured that nobody really needed this information so I edited it out and transcribed the important parts of
the conversation. Of course Bob never remembered rambling on about the Ebola virus and Little Debbie snack cakes
so he conned you into believing he had something important to say.
He has his converts and nothing I can do or say will make them believe me and turn to the path of righteousness.
That's okay because they are all on the road to hell and I don't think there's anything I can do to save their
souls, unless they send me a substantial cash contribution to help the needy Crackwhores. (For those wondering,
Crackwhores is considered a proper noun and that's why the "C" is capitalized. I deemed it worthy of
proper noun status.)
What's even worse is that this week I had an in depth report concerning something really important that could save
most everyones life, but I had to put that on the backburner just so I could protect my good name. I'm sorry about
that but, again, it's something I cannot be blamed for.
But wait........................
I actually can tell you what the really important things is because I have a lot more space to type below this!
THERE WILL BE NO MORE NEW EPISODES OF "FRIENDS" AFTER
THIS THURSDAY!
This is important for the morons who don't know this and is also important for those that think the watching the
show is worse than having chunks of you tongue torn from your mouth with a pair of rusty pliers and fed to a midget
giraffe.
Now we can all get on with our lives and not have to worry about hearing of the latest exploits of the "Friends"
clan. I did pray that they would all be die in the last episode in the following ways.......
Rachel: Hair gets caught in blender and her head gets torn off
Ross: Has head ripped off by returning monkey
Monica: A Wheat Thin gets lodged in her throat and her head falls off
Chandler: Head lopped off by low hanging ceiling fan
Phoebe: Mistakes guitar for hair dryer and cuts head off
Joey: Head sliced off by quick closing subway door
.......but that's not going to happen because everyone needs to leave happy.
Now there's a half hour of tv that needs to be filled next season. I heartily recommend a show about talking flies
that hang around a fresh pile of dogshit which would be a ratings bonanza and also would wash out the bad taste
we've had in our mouths for the last ten years.
What's that? You've got a better idea?
COMING NEXT:
Your ideas and the softness revealed
Email Stephen!
snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com |
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