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Lunatic Ravings - 04/19/04
By Stephen Johnson
Published each Monday |
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Giant---"Time to Burn"
Some of you may have wondered why Jenny is no longer hanging over my shoulder making sure that I continue to supply
you with hard hitting news. Just so everyone can relax, I can assure each and everyone of you that Jenny is still
around, but now in a capacity which I would wish on nobody.
When Jenny first heard of Crackwhore Village, she wanted to experience the life firsthand. I warned her that that
would not be a particularly good thing to do but she is a bit headstrong and she had her bags and fake needles
packed and ready to go when I told her that maybe, just maybe, she could teach Jerome the finer points of writing.
She decided that this would be the best way to go since she wasn't too keen on becoming hooked on crack and receiving
money for sex. I don't know why she wasn't too keen on this, but women are women and helping Jerome could possibly
turn out to be something good.
Even though we haven't heard from Jenny or Jerome for a couple of weeks I feel that she is making good progress.
I can't explain why I feel this way but it is what it is and you can either accept it or not. That's the way it
goes because I really don't have anything further to say on this matter except that I did promise that I would
continue to write about topical topics while Jenny was gone, yet I haven't because I'm a liar.
To cover my ass in case Jenny reads this, I'm going to investigate why "The Alamo" is such a big flop.
This is another epic from our friends at DIsney so you know it's filled to the brim with quality, yet there is
no way that this movie will become a success.
I thought that a movie starring Billy Bob Thornton (from the smash "Chopper Chicks in Zombietown") and
Dennis Quaid ("Gorp","Jaws 3-D") would signify box office gold especially when it was about
something that was a turning point in American history.
Figuring that maybe I was missing something, I went to the local multiplex in order to interview people who had
seen the movie, but nobody wanted to take the time to talk with me. As a matter of fact, everyone who left "The
Alamo" seemed downright hostile and very angry.
No matter what, I needed an interview so I called Bob figuring that he would provide me with the insight that Disney
and I needed. And, since Bob is Mexican, maybe he could also provide insight from a non-Caucasian perspective.
What I did learn is shocking. If you don't want to be shocked, read no further. If you do want to be shocked then
read further but don't come to me in shock claiming that you're in shock because you read the shocking insight
that Bob provided.
STEPHEN: Hey Bob.
BOB: Stephen! Pull my finger!
S: I'm not there so I really can't pull your finger Bob.
B: JUST PULL IT!
S: Gee, okay Bob. There, I pulled your finger.
(Sound of a fart and then of Bob laughing.)
B: I get you with that all the time!
S: Yeah, you sure do Bob.
B: It gets funnier each time you do it.
S: Of course it does Bob. Anyway, why would a movie about the Alamo that cost about 100 million dollars become
such a huge flop?
B: Are you sure you really want to know?
S: That's why I'm asking.
B: It will shock you.
S: Yeah, I know. That's why I warned everyone.
B: Okay.
(Silence)
S: Bob?
B: Yes?
S: Why is it a failure?
B: Oh yeah. I forgot what you asked for a moment. Are you sitting down?
S: No.
B: Excellent!
S: So?
B: The Mexicans won.
And that's why the movie is a failure according to Bob.
COMING NEXT:
Nails and zebra stripes.
Email Stephen!
snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com |
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