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Lunatic Ravings - 04/05/04
By Stephen Johnson
Published each Monday |
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Aerosmith---"Honkin' on Bobo"
Even though I have still not seen "The Passion of the Christ" I do check how much money it makes every
week and have noticed that recently it is making less money which is not a good sign. It seems that people had
a good time seeing the movie the first few weeks it was released but they have now went on to different things.
To help get back the fans I have come up with a plan to get people interested in "The Passion" again
and also have something that will make them remember the good time they experienced in the theater: Passion Toys!
Since some of the older folks were worried about taking their young 'uns to the theater, I figured it would be
a good idea to put out a Jesus action figure along with a few variations of Roman soldier action figures (each
sold separately) with movable limbs. This way the children can experience the Jesus experience in their own backyard.
I can guarantee that most kids will be begging for the Roman soldier with the spring loaded supersonic whip snapping
forearm for Christmas.
That's the only toys I really wanted to market but someone (who I shall call Wrangler Joe) decided that the action
figures weren't enough for the kids. So here's a few of Wrangler Joe's ideas that I find utterly disgusting and
horrifying but, since it's for the kids, I'm not going to go and piss on his parade.
- The Crown of Thorns Party Game---This is a simple product consisting
of the head of Jesus and a crown of thorns. The participant stands approximately 6 feet from the Jesus head and
tosses the crown of thorns. If it lands squarely on Jesus' head, a sensor is tripped and Jesus starts to bleed
from the noggin. If the crown misses, then they child is banished to hell for being an uncoordinated loser.
- Stretchable Jesus---This is just a simple rubber doll that stretches.
When the child pulls the arms, wounds on the back open up and the doll screams as if in severe agony. It also can
serve as a squeezable stress reliever as long as it doesn't scream every time it's squeezed.
- Find the Correct Hole---This is a fun activity set which teaches hand
and eye coordination consisting of many different crosses and nails plus a non-posable Jesus figure. In order to
nail Jesus correctly and tightly to a cross, the child will need to find the correct nails to go with the cross
so Jesus needn't worry about falling off.
- Whoa! Steady with that Spear!---A fun, fun, FUN game where the participants
try to jab a spear into the open wound on the crucified Jesus without touching a rib. Beware of the shaky hand
since one minor slip up and Jesus screams and mutters something in a foreign language. Insert the spear correctly
and Jesus blesses you (5 different blessings available, batteries not included).
All the above products will be made with the finest products available and will be proudly made in the USA.
COMING NEXT: Deep
blues of the propaganda machine.
Email Stephen!
snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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