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Lunatic Ravings - 03/29/04
By Stephen Johnson
Published each Monday |
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Probot---"Probot"
No, no, no, NO, NO,
NO!
I was NOT in prison last week!
I was continuing on my quest of bringing our readers the most in-depth coverage of current news so we can all look
smart in front of those that are dumb.
Last week I went on a journey to question Al-Qaeda members to see what their views were on the news that Ayman
Muhammed Gustav Calliope Joe Bob Manuel al-Zawahiri and his clique were surrounded somewhere in a remote region
of Pakistan and what impact his capture would have on the price of gas and other assorted odds and ends.
(As a side note, I am going to refer to the above person as "Albert". He looks like an Albert, and a
filthy one at that. I think deep down inside he wants to be known as Albert but a little part of him thinks a bunch
of names makes him seem rather cool, kind of like those women who have to hyphenate their last name because it
makes them so fucking cool when they're hanging out at Starbucks with their girlfriends who also have hyphenated
last names except for Beth who had a nasty bout with gonorrhea back in high school and now nobody will touch her
with a ten foot pole except for the acne ridden youth behind the counter who fantasizes about Beth every night
when he's online checking out the latest digitized photos of Janet Jackson's naked boob, but Beth doesn't know
he exists because he's only a lowly counter boy.)
However, finding Al-Qaeda members was much harder than I thought. I did my own profiling and asked those that looked
like they would belong to Al-Qaeda, but nobody seemed to be upset about Albert's predicament. I even asked Bob
since he looks like one of those Al-Qaeda folks especially if you imagine him with a long, stringy beard matted
with goat cheese and camel dung, but he wouldn't admit if he was or wasn't a member which is kind of typical since
he never admits to anything. Once I asked him if he had any balls and he wouldn't confirm or deny.
Then it dawned on me that I could have really spoken with a member of Al-Qaeda but not known it because they're
pussies! Hell, at least the Mormons have the guts to show their faces in public and admit they're Mormon. The folks
in Al-Qaeda (called, I believe, "Al-Qaedets"), fear the world and need to hide behind black masks and
dirty beards, plus have to live in caves in remote regions because they probably fuck animals or something.
(The above is just my guess. I could be wrong but will need to believe going forward that the members of Al-Qaeda
are dirty goat fuckers until I am led to believe otherwise.)
I can picture Albert fucking a goat because he's short and squat, but I don't know how Osama can do it since he's
a little bit to tall to comfortable fuck a farm animal. Maybe Albert holds the goat or other animal up so Osama
doesn't have to work too hard. Again, it's just my guess and I am a little but upset with myself for picturing
Albert and Osama fucking animals, but at least I'm doing it for a newsworthy purpose.
Yet all my work went for naught since no one seems to know if Albert has been caught, is dead or stuck in a really
tight goat. I did get to meet some new people during my investigation, yet somehow I don't think they'll be inviting
me over for snacks and bridge especially since I now know that some of them might be goat fuckers.
COMING NEXT:
A reply from an Al-Qaeda Al-Qaedet?
Email Stephen!
snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com |
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