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Lunatic Ravings - 03/08/04
By Stephen Johnson
Published each Monday |
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Rick Springfield---"shock/denial/anger/acceptance"
Some of us here will continue to provide you with the hard-hitting current news instead of taking a week of so
you can go to work/school with a better understanding of the important shit that's happening so you can look really,
really smart in front of your peers.
The big news from last week is the guilty verdict slapped on Martha Stewart. Most people think she was found guilty
because of some insider trading stuff, but it goes much, much deeper than that and I, of course, will bring you
the complete story.
One of the jurors stated that is was a victory for the "little people" which is always a good thing.
But, what most people don't understand is that when the juror said "little people", he wasn't talking
about normal people like you and you and quite possibly even you, but those vertically challenged wee people.
After some of my diligent research I found that Martha really held a grudge against the munchkins of the world.
Nevermind that without the really short people there wouldn't have been "The Wizard of Oz" or "Willy
Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" or even "Under the Rainbow", what's really shocking is the fact
that Martha went out of her way to make life difficult for those who never experienced a proper growth spurt.
If you have ever watched her show (or haven't, like me), you'll notice that she's always working at a counter that
is too high for a little person to reach. Even with a stool and a phonebook, the tiny person wouldn't be able to
reach the counter in order to make that festive holiday decoration that would brighten up every room.
Her magazine, "Martha Stewart Living", is always located in the top rack making it impossible for those
with the tiny legs to grab a copy. This is a marketing ploy on Martha's part because she doesn't feel that those
with the tiny hands have enough strength to turn the pages of her magazine.
If you travel to your local K-Mart and go to the Martha Stewart section you'll see that all the really shitty Martha
Stewart products are reachable to those with the tiny bodies, while the less shitty products are unreachable. Again,
a marketing ploy from someone who detests those little 'uns.
I don't know why she hates them so. Maybe she too had nightmares about the Oompah Loompahs like lots of people
did and decided to take it to a national level by disguising her hatred as a home decorating show instead of dealing
with the Loompah fear like the rest of have.
Of course she is going to appeal the verdict because she is scared of going to prison where there's a chance she
will run into an incarcerated midget who are the most sadistic people on the face of the earth because they have
to be in order to survive in the Oz. By appealing she's just postponing the inevitable beatdown which will only
make the imprisoned short person that much more angrier and revenge-minded. That would not be a good thing.
COMING NEXT: Living
a life free of butterfiles and herpes
Email Stephen!
snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com |
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