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Lunatic Ravings - 03/01/04
By Stephen Johnson
Published each Monday |
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Celtic Frost---"To Mega Therion"
This is supposed to be week 2 of me giving you the hard-hitting news that could make an impact on your life instead
of some bullshit about tabid llamas and lame sexual innuendos with the help of Jenny, my assistant who never, ever
leaves me alone.
This weeks expose was going to be about the Comanche helicopter and the 7.9 billion dollars spent without one Comanche
actually built and its direct correlation with strange happenings at Area 51 which is causing the alarms on numerous
Ford vehicles in Southern Nevada to malfunction.
I could also state that the Area 51 happenings and the shutdown of the Comanche project happened at about the same
time which would make me suppose that one has to do with the other.
If I could I would go out on a limb and state with absolute certainty that there is some freaky alien shit happening
at Area 51 where Comanche helicopters were supposedly being built but weren't.
I might suggest that the 7.9 billion dollars was used to fund a project at Area 51 involving aliens, spontaneous
combustion, mentally challenged laboratory rats, telekinesis and midget porn, not helicopters as some people might
want us to believe.
I could also mention the 2 billion dollars that will be spent to shut down the "Comanche helicopter program".
Maybe I could also mention that there is no way 9.9 billion dollars is needed to build a couple of helicopters,
but would go a long way in funding aliens, mentally challenged laboratory rats, telekinesis and midget porn.
Some of you might want to know what exactly is happening at Area 51 causing car alarms to malfunction, but I really
can't say that it's because the top secret government folks at Area 51 are sending out high frequency messages
to aliens in deep space that are crossing with the alarm frequencies of many Ford vehicles causing them to freak
out.
Nope, I can't mention of the above because I received a frightening email from wol******va.gov, with this simple
statement:
"that is interesting..."
This was received after my hard-hitting, kind of factual column regarding Howard Dean from last week. I am now
being monitored by some government agency in Virginia and need to watch what I say and do so that's why I couldn't
go into any details above about the Comanche helicopter program and Area 51.
Don't worry though. Somehow I'll still try to provide you with the news you need to know that you'll get from nowhere
else. That's my promise and guarantee, at least until I decide to go on to something different.
COMING NEXT:
Abject failure in the land of nog and honey.
Email Stephen!
snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com |
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