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Lunatic Ravings - 02/23/04
By Stephen Johnson
Published each Monday |
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Cage---"Darker Than Black"
A decision has been made to change my weekly musings to something with a little bit more substance and topicality.
Our market research folks decided that people don't want to read my rantings but would rather read about recent
major news written with maturity.
To help me stay focused, an assistant was hired to keep me focused and on the straight and narrow. It will probably
be a little bit rough the first few times I try to write in a mature way, but market research folks are never wrong
and I have faith that I can educate those that visit this site with help from my assistant Jenny and further help
from our loyal supporters.
My first topic will be the presidential race. I'm sure that most of you know that Howard Dean bowed out of the
race last week even though it looked like he was the favorite to be Democrats nominee, at least in the beginning.
Well, we should all be thankful that he did drop out because he is a spawn of Satan. Some of you may doubt this,
but I have proof:
1) His middle name
is Damien
2) He was born
on 6/6/33
3) If you draw
horns and a goatee on a picture of Mr. Dean, he looks exactly like the spawn of Satan
A spawn in the White House would probably not be a really good thing. However, there will be a few benefits like
Black Metal dominating the charts instead of the latest shit opus from some crap band like, say, the White Stripes,
plus the drinking age will definitely be lowered.
Mostly it would kind of suck since cute little lambs would have to be slaughtered every Sunday and everyone would
have to drink goat's blood and sacrifice virgins every so often. What kind of fun would that be especially with
the virgins?
Murder, rape, pillaging and plundering would be the fad. Anarchy would rule and we would all find ourselves wishing
for the days when things weren't really all that bad. (Are pillaging and plundering really bad? We all know that
murder and rape are wrong, but I don't think that many people nowadays pillage and plunder so we may find that
pillaging and plundering is actually a good way to relieve stress, like getting an Asian massage.)
Oops.
I just found out from Jenny that Howard Dean's middle name is not Damien, nor was he born on 6/6/33. It seems that
he lost because he was just a silly, weird man. Jenny does agree that point #3 listed above could actually be valid,
so it's a really good thing that he's not going to be our next prez.
Finally, since it's been reported that dead diet guru Dr. Atkins had heart disease, will restaurants get rid of
those asinine Atkins approved menus?
COMING NEXT:
Proper subway protocol
Email Stephen!
snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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