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Lunatic Ravings - 02/16/04
By Stephen Johnson
Published each Monday |
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Peter Frampton---"Now"
This is going to be the final word on the White Stripes so no matter what Bob writes in response, just remember
he doesn't know what he's saying and he's very, very wrong which is the norm.
The White Stripes are the worst excuse of a band to come along since Keel.
That's it. Nothing else needs to be said. It's OVER.
Yet what's not over is Coast to Coast which is a national radio talk show catering to those that believe in alien
abductions, anal probing, an evil being hiding somewhere biding it's time until it can take over the world, and
many other super-fantastic things.
According to one person who recently called in, within four years all humans will have the power of telepathy.
(Or was it telekinesis? I don't remember, but I do know it was some sort of tele-thing.)
The caller claimed he received this information from the aliens that abducted him some time ago. He stated that
he could not give out the names of the aliens because he was told not to, or maybe the alcohol had clouded his
mind so much he couldn't come up with some sort of believable alien race name.
He was only abducted once, but has been visited by the aliens many times since. Nothing was mentioned of probing
probably because it was too personal to mention to the world that the probing was actually quite enjoyable. Everyone
with a brain knows that every abductions comes with a free probing so I'm assuming that the caller was either lying
or embarrassed so we'll lay of the probing and go on to something else?
If the caller was telling the truth, then we all have some sort of tele-something to look forwards to in the near
future. The host of the program hoped that the tele-thing would only be used for good which might be the stupidest
thing ever said because if I actually got this tele-thing I would use it for pure evil.
I would use it for me and only me. If the tele-thing is the ability to read peoples minds, why would I want to
use it for good? How could I use it for good? I'm reading the minds of other people for fucks sake! Then I would
know if someone hated me and then I would have to harm them somehow because I don't want to be hated. If someone
could read my mind then the world would need to come to an end because I'm not "all there" and having
others read my mind would only result in really bad things happening.
If the tele-thing is the ability to move objects, then were really fucked because I'd start moving stuff that shouldn't
be moved which would create confusion which would create anarchy which would cause the cockroaches to finally take
over the world and we would all be answering to King Acktack, the supreme leader of the cockroaches.
Now I'm scared that the caller might be right and I'm going to cause the end of the world. Just because of something
I heard from a freaky caller on a freaky radio show with a freaky host, we're fucked.
Actually, I should take that back about the host. He really wasn't a freak because he wouldn't let some caller
from Utah recite a verse from the Book of Mormon. That makes him okay in my book even though we're all still fucked.
COMING NEXT: Aluminum
pansies in the fiery garden of opportunity.
Email Stephen!
snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com |
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