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Lunatic Ravings - 02/02/04
By Stephen Johnson
Published each Monday |
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Iced Earth---"The Glorious Burden"
I am really getting sick of companies putting out new products and claiming that they are flavored with a certain
something that doesn't taste like the something that they claim it's supposed to taste like.
For instance, take Lay's Cheddar Stax. For one thing, they're a total rip-off of Pringles and, secondly, they taste
nothing like cheddar flavored potato crisps should.
Part of the reason might be that my taste buds are totally screwed up due to a prosthetic tongue I had installed
after a horrible Spirograph/Easy Bake Oven accident when I was a wee lad.
I can taste things with my fake tongue, but maybe it's a bit skewed since it's actually half cow tongue, quarter
lizard tongue and the rest patched together with tongue parts from various bugs, mammals and plants.
Still, I have tasted cheddar cheese and to me it doesn't taste anything like the flavoring on the Lay's Cheddar
Stax. However, I probably have incredible tasting abilities since my tongue is not human so maybe I am an expert
and the Frito Lay company might want to pull their Cheddar Stax from the market until they can get the cheddar
taste to my liking.
Since I am a consumer, I am right and deserve to be listened to. I beg everyone to not purchase any Frito Lay products
until they get the cheddar taste right. If I play my cards right, they'll listen and send me all sorts of free
shit while you get nothing but satisfaction in knowing that they're a company that cares about the little people,
especially those with mutant tongues.
Maybe that guy from "Todd TV" will help me out with my cause. I'm just trying to figure out why nobody
has requested that he do something sick to himself, like peeling the skin from his scalp and boring holes into
his skull so that the tv audience can see if his brain cavity actually contains something of importance.
Instead, people have him doing great stuff like delivering papers. I'm sure there's more, but I've never watched
the show and never will. All my information comes from watching the "Todd TV" commercials which seem
to run every minute. Maybe something will get fucked up somewhere and he will be forced to do something really
dastardly which would make me feel great and prove that I am the puppetmaster and he is just my lowly, stupid puppet.
On the subject of tv show commercials, I just don't understand how "The John Henson Project" will have
a long run or why it was made in the first place. Soaking a sponge finger with beer is supposed to be funny? What
is funny is having a limb accidentally amputated in a hospital snafu. That's something that will entertain friends
and family members for years. Maybe it's just me that doesn't understand John Henson's humor, or maybe he really
does need to go back from where he came.
That would also be funny if he decided to re-enter his mother's womb (You know, "go back from where he came".
It's really funny if you think about it.) Hell, I'm chuckling about it now so it must be funny and that's all that
matters.
COMING NEXT:
Watch the sky because the bluebird is coming!
Email Stephen!
snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com |
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