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Lunatic Ravings - 01/12/04
By Stephen Johnson
Published each Monday |
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Stratovarius---"Elements Pt. 2"
I must humbly apologize for a few errors I made last week. I never realized that a few teachers like Ms. Evelyn
Dunwiddy from Washington Elementary School use our site to teach their third graders the joys of
reading. Ms. Dunwiddy sent me an email pointing out that I started off last weeks column with "I" instead
of "It" and used "breaks" instead of "brakes" later in the same column. I have had
an education and am very sorry for those errors and will do my damndest not to make stupid errors again so that
I can please the Ms. Dunwiddys around the world.
Good thing she didn't mention anything about Britney's marriage and how my prediction was (almost) wrong. I have
supported Britney throughout the years and even offered her money a few years ago for something that might or might
not have been nasty and yet she repays my generosity by making me look (almost) like a fool.
She did get married, so I have the satisfaction in knowing that my prediction was right. What my Magic 8 Ball failed
to show me was the aftermath which begs me to wonder if, during the 2 day jaunt, Jason got
him some.
For some reason, Jason's not talking about this important piece of information that everyone needs and wants to
know. It could be that I'm so sick and depraved that I'm the only one wondering but for the time
being I'll never know and you'll never know since all of our attempts to reach out to Jason have failed, which
could be because we really don't have a way to reach out to him if you discount our amazing ESP
abilities.
I hope for his sake he did get some because he needs it. You have to feel a little bad for someone who's raised
in a part of the country where inter-family marriages and sex are still the rage. Who could blame him for getting
tired of having to get some from cousin Becky Sue when he has a friend from childhood that could teach him some
new, exotic tricks even if it's for a couple of days.
What's really scary is that I am not the only one able to make predictions. I received the following from J. Sapp
which I guess COULD come true if the whole world drank a mixture of battery acid and Nyquil
in some sort of cultish freak happening:
"i have a prediction for 2004. the world will be raided by braila's and federation shock troops and all fat
people and stupird idiorts will be gunned down with type 7 phasers at every oppertunity."
I think this means that the world will be taken over by disgruntled Trekkies which would be the funniest catastrophe
ever. If this starts happening, remember that they're the only ones that believe the Vulcan death grip actually
works. Also remember that they're not violent so a threatening look their way will have them wetting themselves
which will give you ample time to set your gun to automatic since a dead Trekkie is better than a McDonald's Happy
Meal any day of the week.
COMING NEXT:
My toes curl as the pie warms.
Email Stephen!
snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com |
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