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Lunatic Ravings - 01/05/04
By Stephen Johnson
Published each Monday |
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Rose Tattoo---"Pain"
I snowed in Las Vegas last week which proves my daily point that Bob is crammed to the rim with shit.
Since I'm used to snow, to me it was really no big deal. However, those that have lived here their whole lives
didn't know what to do when the flurries started to fall.
I was on my weekly early a.m. surprise visit to Crackwhore Village when it started to snow. With my uncanny snow
driving abilities, I knew that it would cause no problems since it would melt as soon as it hit the pavement.
For the uninitiated others it was like Armageddon. As soon as the first flakes were spotted, drivers started slamming
on their breaks as the thought of driving through snow entered their brain causing a massive clenching of the sphincter
muscle.
The slamming on the breaks caused cars to start rolling, skidding, crashing and flying. I felt that my time had
come as I drove through miles of torn metal, burning bodies and flaming tires but it was a stupid feeling because
I did make it to Crackwhore Village without any injuries.
I should have stayed home because the crackwhores thought that the snow was cocaine sent from the skies. All around
the village the crackwhores were scooping the snow and shoving it into their noses. As soon as they sniffed in
the snow, it caused instant brain freeze which is not good in anyone, but is especially bad in crackwhores for
various reasons which I don't feel like going into right now.
Soon the whole village was full of brain frozen whores. I debated whether or not to keep it open but decided that
even though there are a few people that like to fuck corpse-like objects, I wouldn't make as much money as I would
have liked. So, I took the humanitarian approach and tied all the crackwhores to their beds and closed down the
village.
Unlike Bob, I have to deal with a water shortage and a loss of revenue which makes me wonder what the hell I'm
doing opening up to everyone and also makes me wonder what the point of all this was..................
....................which is my fearless predictions for 2004. If you read my predictions for 2003 (seek out my 12/30/02 column)
you'll see my uncanny ability to predict some things that actually came true. I have faith that some, if not all,
of the following will also come true in some way.
1) The MTV Music Awards will contain something shocking like Madonna performing fellatio on a running chainsaw
since her career has turned to shit.
2) The feds will lose Michael Jackson because he will finally become transparent.
3) Britney Spears will get married. (Note: This happened late last week. I did predict it beforehand though. Really.)
4) Britney Spears will be wearing the running chainsaw that Madonna performs fellatio on because she too needs
a career boost not unlike the boost she received after The Kiss.
5) Some nobody will do something stupid and become a somebody for a while.
6) The first cancellation of the new television will be "CSI: Nebraska" because nobody really cares about
dead cows (unless they were mad) or corn.
7) I'll receive at least 100 more emails about ordering Viagara cheap.
8) "Fuckmunch" will be the word of the year.
9) We'll all decide that life is too short and the world will be at peace until some asshole decides to screw it
all up all in the name of some belief. All signs point to the Mormons on this one.
10) Something will happen that has not happened before but will happen again because it happened and if something
happens once it can happen again. In other words, I really didn't have another prediction but decided that 10 is
better than 9 so I threw out something really generic that could quite possibly come true.
And that's that.
COMING NEXT:
Wailing as a dolphin swims by
Email Stephen!
snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com |
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