|
|
|
| This Week's |  |
| | | | | | | Add To Your Site! . |
|
| Commentaries: |  |
|
|
Lunatic Ravings!
Many, many times I have been asked what my hobbies are. Contrary to popular belief, it is NOT setting up camps for crack = whores or experimenting on Jerome. Those I consider work even though it is fun. I actually do have a hobby, something that will soon make me a multi-millionaire if I play my cards right. The credit for this will have to be given to my dear brother who I haven't seen for many years because he is he and I am I plus I think he still holds a grudge against me for kicking the shit out of him one day because he ripped my baseball jersey. Too bad my mother broke up the fight since it was the first and only time I actually was the ass kicker and he was the kickee. I guess being the middle child really doesn't have any benefits at all. Before the baseball jersey incident, my brother tried to inflict as much punishment on me in very unorthodox ways. For a while his favorite thing was to sit at the dinner table and make little bread balls by tearing up his bread into little pieces and rolling them between his thumb and forefinger until it was shaped into a nice little ball. He would take the bread balls to his room and place them in a bowl. After a few weeks they would be as hard as a rock and he would torment me by throwing them at me with as much velocity as he could muster causing me to experience moments of sharp pain. Since I was born evil, I tried to figure out a way to get even and decided that I needed to beat him at his own game. I figured that I would need something that I could roll between my fingers into a neat little ball but it would have to be something that dried much quicker than bread balls. Luckily for me, this happened during a phase where I discovered the pleasures of picking my nose. I found that I could pull out a good chunk of snot from each nostril and combine them together. I placed the booger on my thumb and started to roll it around in a circle and soon I had myself a nice round snot ball. I also discovered that if I kept on rolling it around, it would turn hard. Soon I found myself digging in each nostril every hour in order to make a hefty supply of ammunition combat my brother and his bread balls. After a few months of this I had a fairly large stockpile of dried snot balls in a jar in my closet. The day before I was going to retaliate in full force against my brother, my mother decided that it would be a good time for a spring cleaning and found the jar in the back of the closet. Of course this caused my mother to think I had serious mental problems so I was sent to a psychiatrist and grounded until I was old enough to get a job and leave the house, not necessarily in that order. Strange thing is that my mother didn't think my brother had any mental problems even though he had a few bowls full of dried out bread balls in his room. I stopped making my snot balls for many years until I discovered the internet. As I surfed from website to website, I found it quite calming to dig into both nostrils and pull out whatever juicy morsels I could find. Reverting back to childhood, I would roll these into those familiar snot balls but this time I was a bit more careful and classy and didn't place them in a jar in the back of a closet since normal females that you live with might find this to be a little bit strange. Instead, I would hold onto the hardening snot ball until I was done with the internet and then go outside and flick it into the backyard. I didn't think this would cause any problems since I was supplying a meal to the billions of bugs that crawled around the back yard so I was basically giving back to nature and contributing to the circle of life. Early one morning I went outside with a particularly large snot ball and as I was getting ready to flick it away, I noticed a lady standing in our backyard staring at the ground. I decided to hold onto the snot ball for fear of flicking incorrectly and hitting the lady in the eye causing pain, blindness and a whopper of a lawsuit. I asked her what she was doing in my backyard and she explained that she was flying into town the day before and looked down and noticed something in our backyard that looked like the pregnant Mary, wife of Joseph, who was a virgin yet just happened to get knocked up by some miraculous miracle thingy. She went on to say that she came to our backyard to pray and offered me $10.00 not to boot her off of our property. I climbed onto the roof and looked down into our backyard and, sure enough, my flicked hardened snot balls had landed in such a pattern that they did look like some pregnant chick. I shouted down to the woman that she needed to tell her friends about the miracle in my backyard but she must have thought I sounded too much like God or someone like that because she cried out, clutched her chest and dropped dead. Now I have signs posted all around the neighborhood inviting people over to see the image of the pregnant chick in my backyard. So far I have had no visitors but give me some time. Just give me one person and word of mouth will do the rest. In the meantime, I am starting a new design in a different part of the backyard which will either turn out to be either the fat, drugged out Elvis or that guy who was born in December. COMING NEXT: Why you should be thankful. Email Stephen! snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
|
|||||||||||||||||
|
|
||||||||||||||||||
|
| | | | | | © 2002 by TheWeirdcrap.com - "Insanity has found a home." |
