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Lunatic Ravings!
About the same time that I stopped receiving the thousands of daily spam email, a new set of crop circles appeared in England and black widow spiders starting appearing around my homestead. Filing through the vast amounts of religious knowledge that I have trapped in my head I discovered that the Apocalypse is upon us. This isn't crazy talk people----it's fact and I have a religious quote that I remember to prove my theory correct. "Yea, as thou go verrily and merrily upon the gilded desert, thy thoughts can only turn to the presence of the Lord, for thy power is weak yet kind of neat in a sparkly way yet thou wills findeth thateth youeth can't ever, ever find the power to drink the blood of a yak for the yak is the one true yak that shall grant you power to behold the shininess of the armor of the angel who will come down and smote and smote yet again until it can smote no more." As you can see the 3 comings of the apocalypse are mentioned as long as you read between the lines. Spam, crop circles and spiders are the beginning of the end for us all so I recommend that we all sit down and think of what we need to accomplish. "Siteth ye down and think, think, think for it won't be too long before you can't think any more especially if you can figure out how to remove the cap from the gloriously shaped glass molded in the image of our one true saviour." Another quote I remembered regarding sitting down and thinking. This just proves that I don't have anything better to do than to make stupid shit up. "There will be one prophet who will try to pass on the word of the big kahuna yet there will be many who will deem him stupid and will try to have him wrapped in a jacket with straps. Those that do will receive the ultimate punishment which is way too funky to be explained at this time." Strong words, yet words that give me a strange feeling. Not exactly fuzzy but kind of bordering on fuzzy. Maybe it's more of a furry feeling which is a good thing. "I do not like ham Sam I am. I do not like it in a car. I do not like it from a jar. I do not like it in a bar. I do not like it on a star. I do not like it from afar. I just do not like it Sam I am." I have no idea what that means, but it's pretty deep. "And the huuzahs put down their blotniks and clammaded with the slateralls who had lapanats hanging from their humid glademans as the toolinies danced and booliniked and crumpolled their fullises." So it seems that we can all be saved after all. How? I don't know. But there is hope especially since the bug man came over and sprayed potent shit all around the house killing those pesky black widow spiders and it will soon be discovered that the crop circle was just some handiwork from some UK lads who drank a little too much warm (but tasty) British ale. Got me about the spam though. Guess we are still all doomed. COMING NEXT: Your greatest wish will come true. Email Stephen! snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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