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Lunatic Ravings!
The main thing I learned from the dog (hey, if you don't know what I'm talking about go back to the porn site you were just visiting behind your mama's back or read last weeks column from moi) is that we are getting a little bit smarter in some ways. This has been proven by the non-interest in "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle" since the people believed in my belief that the original "Charlie's Angels" was THE WORST MOVIE EVER MADE. But then we have the numbnuts who have been waiting a few years for the new Harry Potter book. Sure, they're sitting there at the beach reading the book as the sun beats down on their pale, tubby bodies and that's something to be proud of I guess, but go ahead and ask them what they've read between the last Harry Potter book and the new one and don't feel a bit surprised when you find out that it was probably something like "The Weekly World News", "The Survivor Pop-Up Book of Fun Facts", or nothing. So I take back my "we are getting a little bit smarter" bit. Yet again, the people didn't line up in droves and cause SRO in theaters across the land when "From Justin to Kelly" was released. That's probably because the majority of the people who watch "America Idol" are either on house arrest or are so large that when they die they will have to be lifted from their trailer home with a forklift and buried in a piano case. A movie about a fish is a hit and now thousands of kids across the land are flushing their pet fish down the toilet so that Bobo the goldfish can be reunited wit his family. Imagine the shock when the kid is taking a bath and by some sort of plumbing fluke Bobo comes out of the bath faucet and plops lifeless in the Mr. Bubble filled water. No matter how Hooked on Phonics this child might be, they will grow up to either be a porn star or a manager at a Blockbuster. (Not that there's anything wrong with being a porn star.) There's also a little movie called "28 Days Later" that is doing some good business. It's about zombies wandering around which is kind of like real life because most people run around zombielike with a cell phone stuck to their ear as they load up their grocery cart with the latest offering from Healthy Choice or Lean Cuisine even though it's not going to do them a hell of a lot of good anyway. It's just too bad we can't (legally) play the "Dawn of the Dead" game at the local shopping center. Finally, I recommend that everyone get Showtime (don't worry, they're not paying me anything) and watch "Dead Like Me", which is currently the best damn show on tv. Or you can keep on watching those reruns of "Friends" because you're stupid. Take my word for it, dead people are much more interesting then a group of annoying shitheads who the critics love. But critics are stupid and I'm not so watch what I watch and you'll be just like me and we'll get along fine. COMING NEXT: I'm going to Hollywood! Email Stephen! snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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