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Lunatic Ravings!
Another year in our lives is almost over and what a year it was! Many people died and many people were born, just like in previous years gone by. But this year was different since no one had died or was born in 2002 before this year which is quite fantastic when you really, really think about it. At least one person lost their virginity because of that nasty fire water. That's probably not too shocking but ti would be if that person lost their virginity to, say, an alien or a cactus. Recently we learned that North Korea's got a pair of humongous balls. And all this time I thought those North Korean's walking around in those white uniforms were food service workers, not nuclear physicists. Critics loved Eminem in "Eight Mile", but it was probably because he threatened to kick the shit out of them and throw them in the trunk of his Chevy if they bad-mouthed his acting skills. Christina Aguilera proved to the world that yes, she really IS a whore while Britney got tired and Michael Jackson became more frightening plus Axl Rose remained a complete dick. I lost money gambling and swore off gambling for a week and then lost some more. I'll never learn, but at least I'm not some humongous blonde and a perverted dog with a tv series on E! And that's about all the important stuff that happened this past year. 2003 promises to be even more exciting, as my fearless predictions will prove. 1) They will no longer die in threes. 4 famous people will die within two weeks of each other, dispelling that aged old myth about the threes. 2) Kajagoogoo will reunite and mount a massive world tour. 3) The next installment of "The Lord of the Rings" will make over 50 million dollars easily. 4) Al will dump Tipper because he wakes up one morning and decides that she's not human because no human would actually admit to being named "Tipper". 5) The government will let us in on a little secret: Bob Hope has been dead for five years. 6) The cast of "Friends" will get violently sick when they go to Mexico and drink the water. The show is cancelled is not allowed to be shown on any tv station at any time because everyone knows not to drink the water in Mexico. 7) On the new season of "The Bachelor" all losing contestants are put to death. The winner plus the bachelor are also put to death which causes the death of every reality tv show. 8) Someone will have a sexual dream about one of their parents, but it's okay since they were adopted. 9) World peace is finally reached and everyone gets along until December when Iceland does something to piss everyone off. 10) The recent human clone is found to be an actual spawn of satan and it tries to take over the world but is defeated by an angelic child brandishing a hedge trimmer and spork. 11) I'll write approximately 50 more pieces of shit which you may or may not read. As you can see, you have some good stuff to look forward to in the coming year. So have fun saying goodbye to 2002 and welcoming 2003 and make sure you're smart and make it back here next week. Thanks for being with us this past year and we hope you keep coming back for more! COMING NEXT: Bob and his love of the porn sites. Email Stephen! snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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