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Lunatic Ravings!
Ahh, Christmas time is here. That special time of the year when we bullshit those we really can't stand by having them believe we really mean it when we say "Have a Merry Christmas", not really caring if they actually are attacked and brutally mauled by a rabid coyote as they go to pick up the special Xmas edition of the daily newspaper from their front yard. So, to everyone reading this I wish you all A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS! Christmas always makes me wonder what happens to the gifts that are bought that are never given out. It could be a gift to someone who gets divorced, breaks up, gets abducted by aliens or even dies. I asked someone what they would do in one of the above situations and they told me that they would return the gift to the store where it had been purchased. To me, this would suck since it would bring back some painful memories so there has got to be a better way. Close your eyes and imagine this happening: Judy's husband was killed 3 days before Christmas. She had bought many lovely gifts for him, but since he's dead, she has no use for them. She heads back to the store where she bought these gifts in order to return them so she can have money to go out and celebrate. When it's her turn at the return department, she piles the gifts on the counter and asks for her money back. The return clerk asks the reason why Judy is returning all the lovely gifts and Judy explains that David, her husband, was attacked by a cheese knife wielding alien and cut up into thousands of tiny bit size morsels. Remembering how David died causes Judy to have a mental breakdown in the return department and she is rushed off to the local sanitarium where she is diagnosed as being "really, really psycho" by a panel of esteemed European doctors and they recommend that she stay in the sanitarium for a minimum period of 12 years since this is the first ever case of its kind and many tests need to be done. Needless to say, Judy's life is now fucked and her kids are placed in foster homes in Thailand and Ecuador and they never see mommy again. That's a sad story and something like this happens every year. My great idea is to stop buying presents for someone because you have to think about what might happen if they're not around to accept their presents and how that would effect your life. At least that's what I tell my close friends. They seem to follow my way of thinking because they don't get me anything either Enough about Christmas. The real reason you're here is to peruse our top ten albums of 2002! 10) Boston---"Corporate America"----I don't know why, but after I listened to it four times in a row it kind of grew on me, and I still eat meat. Weird. 9) Steve Vai---"The Elusive Light and Sound Vol. 1"----Finally, the guitar duel between Ralph Macchio (not really) and Steve Vai on CD. 8) Audioslave---"Audioslave" 7) Drive-By Truckers---"Southern Rock Opera" 6) Spock's Beard---"Snow"----The soundtrack to "Powder". Okay, not really. 5) Rush---"Vapor Trails" 4) Filter---"The Amalgamut" 3) Blind Guardian---"A Night at the Opera"----Layers upon layers upon layers upon layers upon layers upon layers upon layers of vocals. Really. 2) Ted Nugent---"Craveman" 1) Dream Theater---"Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence" COMING NEXT: I look back on the past year and make some fearless predictions for 2003! Email Stephen! snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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