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Lunatic Ravings!
I am not going to put up any Christmas lights this year. I can sit here and bullshit you with a reason why I won't. I could say that the last time I hung up Christmas lights I fell off the roof and had every fingernail peeled off as I tried to grab ahold of anything to stop my fall but failed and landed on an errantly placed and running weed whacker which flayed the shirt and skin off my back. But that would be a lie. It would be a fantastic excuse though. Kind of like the reason I no longer eat red beans or Lloyds barbecued beef. Go ahead and eat a couple cans of red beans in one sitting and see if you ever want to them again. Same thing with the Lloyd's barbecued beef. Even thinking about either of those makes my stomach heave and causes me to swallow back some chunks of a chili dog which I had a couple of hours ago that now wanted to flow back up my throat. Nope, not hanging Christmas light has no back story. I'm just lazy. Quite a few people around here have inflatable snowmen standing in their front yards, but we have nothing but a couple of dead pigeons which, in their own way, are quite festive plus they change every day. I would be interesting if our neighborhood was part of The Parade of Lights. You know, those neighborhoods where parents pack their kids and their senile grandparents into the SUV and drive around looking at Christmas lights. I want to be the pitch black house between two houses with a gadzillion lights strung around their house. This would make our house look positively evil and would give the kids and the grandparent nightmares for weeks. Hey, the dark house worked on Halloween. Everyone must have thought our house was haunted because even though I was home, nobody came to the door. The only thing messing up my plans is one of my next door neighbors who haven't hung up any Christmas lights either. I want to be different and can't be different if my next door neighbor won't hang up some lights. Luckily, I have a plan to fix this problem. I first thought that I would nuke his house, but decided against it since I don't have a nuke readily available. Next I though about going over to his house and demanding that he hang up some lights because, like Highlander, "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE", but I didn't like that movie much and he probably never saw it so the humor would definitely be lost. I took the easy way out and waited until he left his house and then I went over and hung some Christmas lights around his house. It is a pain in the ass to wait until he falls asleep every night so I can turn them on and then I have to make sure I turn them off before he wakes up, but it's well worth the hassle. Now I have two weeks to figure out a way to not put up a Christmas tree. That should be fairly easy, but there's only so much nagging a guy can put up with. Good thing I've got a plan....... COMING NEXT: Our top 10 movies of 2002! Email Stephen! snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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