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Lunatic Ravings!
Sometimes you need to have some fun since life is so short. A lot of times it is really, really enjoyable to have fun with someone you will probably never meet in person because, if you do, they would probably kick your ass or maybe even kill you if it's the right situation. One of those fun moments happens when you constantly have someone calling for someone who doesn't live in your residence, or even in your neighborhood. After a few wrong numbers from the same person you just want to have fun at their expense because you need to somehow alleviate your annoyance. For about a month straight, some guy has been calling me at least once a week looking for Sherry. Each time he calls I am slightly pleasant as I inform him that he has the wrong number. He apologizes (as he should) and that's that. I thought that after 10 or so times he would learn to dial Sherry's number correctly, but we're talking about me and of course that didn't happen. But the last time he called I was prepared. The phone rings as I'm channel surfing and I answer it because that's what I do, and it's that guy asking if Sherry was available. I could have told the truth but it was too god of a day for honesty so I answered with the childish "I'm sorry, but Sherry is busy right now sucking my d**k." (Note the asterisks. We are striving to become a family friendly site and the word "dick" isn't considered something a child should read or even know about.) I expected the guy to laugh or come back with a witty retort, but he hung up the phone. I imagined that he was freaking out because maybe Sherry was his wife or girlfriend and I had just messed up their relationship. Not my fault though since maybe this would force him to learn his 1,2,3's. About an hour after this call, the doorbell rang. I answered it and was found a man and a child standing on my porch. I asked the man if I could help him and he told me he wanted to talk to Sherry. I told him that there was no one with that name that lived at my address, but that someone kept on calling and asking for her. Lo and behold, I was shocked to find out that this guy on the porch was the same guy who kept calling for Sherry. And it seems that it was Sherry's birthday and that Sherry happened to be this guys father and the child's grandmother. And it just so happened that I was on speakerphone when I announced to dad and his son that dear old grandma was too busy to come to the phone to listen to said dad and son sing happy birthday because she supposedly had a certain male organ in her mouth. What could I do? Well, I quickly closed and locked the door, ran to the phone, dialed 911 and told the operator that yes indeed, I was 100% positive that I had one of those slave traders who steal neighborhood kids and send them overseas to make sneakers and blouses for a few pennies a week standing on my porch trying to trade me a child for a jar of jelly and a slice of bread. Cops don't like adults who do stuff like that, because 5 minutes after I hung up with 911 they were on my porch beating the guy senseless with nightsticks and bats as the kid watched. I was awarded a Citizen of the Month plaque, the kid was sent to a nice foster home and his dad was deported somewhere. Pretty harsh for a wrong number I guess, but I got a new plaque and it's hanging on my wall, so everything is just alright by me. COMING NEXT: I try to have someone else deported. Email Stephen! snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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